[girlin2une]

I have so many nights filled with nightmares and insomnia. When this happens, I "journal." I write it all down and have had for years. I won't re-read most of what I've written because it is too hard sometimes, but I still do it because it helps. And so, here is my latest communication... I'm posting in femme invisibility because most of the time I'm invisible to everyone.

I'm a queer woman partnered with a transgender man, but everyone assumes we're a heterosexual couple. On the surface, we’re the quintessential duo. This relationship has afforded me the privilege of banal nonconformity, but I'm still queer. Sometimes I feel like I've lost a piece of myself, but I wouldn't change anything for the world! As my relationship deepened, my queerness has become camouflaged to the outside world.

"Queer" is as an umbrella term for any gender or sexual expression outside of societal norms. For me, this umbrella term extends to politics, subculture, and perspective. My queerness has been a continuous re-examining of myself, a process that began (but was not understood) before my teens. I embraced the term way back in my twenties because it encompassed far more than just attraction or gender.

Queerness is anti-classification by definition, so it looks different for everyone. Over time, my queerness has become symbolic of a host of characteristics other than my sexuality. Despite the term’s controversial origins in hate speech, for me, it’s been a proud way to claim outsider status.

But claiming outsider status is complicated these days. Especially since Trump. I don't know just how to communicate how I feel about that as a Canadian having watched the election transpire. I just know that I have a personal take on the subject as my amazing partner is American. How can I be myself in a country filled with hate towards people like myself? To be precise, I’ve been with men and women, cisgender, and trans. With each new relationship came awkward explanations and the nagging temptation to draw conclusions about my sexuality.

Having evolved past my "femme visibility" years, I’ve grown into a long-haired, creative woman whose queer experience is hidden to the untrained eye. Many of those experiences were so negative. I've been hurt beyond belief (and THAT is a story for another day) I remained single for a decade. Yes. An entire decade. But I'm now with the most amazing (and inspirational) man whose empathy surpasses any other. He "gets" me. He loves me (even when I feel unlovable), he accepts all of my idiosyncrasies and encourages me to be the strong submissive that I am.

Falling in love with my partner has me thinking: Maybe I’m straight after all? But, I conceded: I guess I’ve been gay all along? Over time, I’ve realized that my partners’ genders and sexual identities indicate little about me, but for the rest of the world, it’s still a signpost. The more indistinct my queerness has become, the more I give thought to current times... I can safely kiss my partner in public, even under the watchful eye of haters, because I blend in. But do I? Should I? Why can't we just be ourselves without fear of persecution?

Ok, enough rambling. My partner joshingly (!) says what I write is awkward, but when I write, I write from the heart.

Thanks for listening...