[*Anya*]

I keep thinking about what I would really like to put in an online profile.

You know, the truly real one but it would be negative because it would have all the things that I sm still angry about with my recent (gosh, now 6-months) ex.

This you will never see in any profile in the universe but here. Of course, I probably share too much but my ex would never in a million years look for or find this site, so really: no worries there. She sticks to her financial matters, FB and emails.

You may say say to yourself: gee, I did not realize that Anya was an angry person.

Since I dealt with my now ex for almost 4 years and since every day I read about another Trump atrocity, yes, I have felt pretty pissed off lately.

Scars? Yep.

Here goes, the (too) honest dating profile, not well-written, not in any particular order so I would never in a million years post it:

I am looking for a butch lesbian that loves to give oral sex as much as she loves to receive it (and I do love to give it).

For real.

Someone that understands that good sex and the connection that it brings can be the glue that can hold us together through all of the hard times.

Don't make me beg for sex. It hurts me and makes me feel rejected. It is so simple to say, "I don't feel well right now, can we snuggle instead?"

I love to snuggle. It is truly loving to communicate honestly. It is the most loving thing that you can do.

A butch lesbian that understands that butch does not equal dominant and femme does not equal submissive.

A butch that accepts that I am not a submissive.

It doesn't mean that I would not like a strong (when life calls for it) and loving daddi.

I am not a slave and never will be one.

A butch that does know how to communicate feelings, both positive and negative.

If talking about feelings is hard for you, that is fine as long as you are able to tell me that it is difficult for you. If I heard a butch that I was in an intimate relationship with admit that-I would sink to my knees in joy.

Don't shut down. Don't stonewall me. Don't leave me to try to figure out for hours what the hell I said or did wrong. Don't silently punish me.

Conversely, don't say unkind or hurtful things that you can never take back.

They build a wall around my heart.

Reading this reminds me of a Planet member that put on her relationship status:

Too angry to date.

I guess that I am or I am just still too hurt.

I accept that there is a big part of me that must, ok, does; feel that I don't deserve to be treated with loving kindness.

I accept that it is sad that on some level, that it felt right or normal to be treated badly and to keep trying to make it work.

That is the most important scar to heal and I honestly do not know how to do that anymore.