[Martina]

I started ID'ing as femme over thirty years ago, and what it means for me has changed. I am not hyper feminine. Nor am I androgynous. Certainly not masculine. Initially it was about who I was most attracted to -- butch women. Over time, it has meant and expressed my identity in various ways. I was always proud of the ID until things started changing a little over ten years ago. I started getting gender policed within the community, by both femmes and butches. I was not performing femme in a feminine enough or queerly femme enough fashion. I was in no way going to change the way I perform gender to meet some changing exterior norm. Not at my age. Hell, I looked and dressed like a bazillion straight women who didn't have their gender expression critiqued. At some point I became less attached to the identity. I was like if this is what it is, it's not me. I know there are all kinds of femmes, but I don't like people making assumptions about me the minute I announce that I am femme. I don't want to explain or educate. For more than twenty years, what femme meant in the culture and what I am were pretty congruent. And then suddenly they weren't. And not because I changed. HB had some great posts about how she is expected to be when she announces she's femme in the States. I detect a little change back in the direction of a wider understanding of femme, but I've already loosened my hold on the ID, and I can't imagine what, at my age, would cause me to re-identify strongly. So, yes, I am femme. Still femme. But I don't fly the flag because what it means to most queer folk is just not me.