[Kobi]

My Mom died in December. The care giving is over. The rehashing is not. The rehashing might be part of grieving. It might be part of putting pieces of a puzzle together so things make sense. It might be both. I'm not sure.

Now, that I am not in the thick of it, I can see things somewhat differently, from perspectives I never had the luxury to entertain before. Hindsight has less pressure, less emotion, and can easily be put on the shelf for another day when it becomes too overwhelming.

I remember having conflicting emotions about care giving. There was a part of me who felt very strongly about what I saw as my responsibility. There was another part of me that became very resentful as my life, over time, turned into turmoil.

What I did not see, at the time, was I was focused so much on me and what was happening to me, that I had no concept of or appreciation of what others in my family, including my Mother, were dealing with.

My Mom was dealing with the loss of control over her body, her memory, her emotions, her home, her life, her decision making, her control. She became more and more frail and dependent and helpless. She hated that. She hated what was happening to her. Even more, she hated what it was doing to her kids and their lives. She struggled to maintain her dignity throughout, dealing as best she could with her own anger and frustrations and losses and guilt.

I was single or in uncommitted relationships. My primary family attachment was to my Mom. The decisions I made affected no one but me and my employer.

My brothers, on the other hand, were married/partnered. Their primary family attachment was to their spouses and children. The decisions they made affected many more people. Plus, their spouse/partners also had aging partners. Thus, they were being pulled in directions I, thankfully, never had to deal with.

I never appreciated that.

Aging is a long, drawn out process of gradual deterioration....until it isnt. It was easier to deal with things when they happened one at a time and sporadically. It was an entirely different thing when something, new and different, was smacking you in the face every single freakin day.

We did much better with the gradual stuff. There was more time to do things, the energy and emotion was spread out, and there was time to recoup in between. Plus, we could play to our strengths rather than be hindered by our weaknesses. And, if we made an inadvertent mistake, there was time to correct it.

When it came time to make modifications to my mom's home, we each had our role. My brother - Mr Construction dealt with the logistics. My bother - Mr. Accountant dealt with the costs. I dealt with functionality and minimizing disruption. My Mom was focused on aesthetics. It worked.

It was when the gradual process changed to a swift one that we ran into problems. This was when old conflicts reared their heads, the differences in our assessments and problem solving ways became butting heads, emotions ran high and often ugly, and we all lost track of the forest because of all the trees that kept popping up.

And then, I got sick. 2016 is a blur of hospitalizations, surgeries where everything that could go wrong did go wrong, rehab, and general weirdness. Now, the care givers were down to 2. In a few months, my brother would have a heart attack. We were down to 1.

The one thing my Mother wanted was to die in her own home. When she realized that was no longer possible, they say she gave up. I think she just gave in. 2 days before she died, she was still the same cantankerous, irascible, proud woman who always did things her way. She did death her way too.

Knowing what I know now, I dont think I would have made different decisions. I would have, I think, gone about making them differently which might have had a different impact on me, my emotions, my expectations. and the situation overall. I dont know.

I feel for folks who are still care givers. Wish I had something to say to lighten the load or some pearls of wisdom to make things easier. Some day maybe. Not today tho.

Today is just full of a profound sense of loss and the conflicting emotions that come with it.