Quote:
Originally Posted by TempestuousFemme
I lost my partner of 14 years 4 short months ago. Some days I'm OK, some days not so much. I've finally begun the process of packing up her things. The first step was giving away her oxygen equipment, and I'm glad I did. It went to someone who really needed it. Last Friday was her medicine. Today her boxers, t-shirts, socks, and shoes. I'm a mess right now. I scream at her, I cry, and sit on the back porch at night smoking too many cigarettes, trying not to feel guilty for all the things I did or didn't do. She was so sick and I spent years taking care of her. The last 2 weeks I was terrified if Ieft the house I was going to come home and find her dead. I spent 2 days sitting by her bedside, dissolving Ativan and Morphine in a spoon every 4 hours. I was not in the room when she took her last breath. I came in to give her her morphine, and she wasn't breathing anymore but still warm. I don't know how I stayed sane those first two months. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and expect her to be in the kitchen watching TV. It's heartbreaking, all of it. I hate it. She gave me a gift. I now no longer have to take care of everything. All I have is me. Here I am trying to find my way in the world without her. God I miss her so much. How does one move on, how long before it gets bearable, how many times do I have to cry every time I have to pack something of hers away? I just don't know..
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I found that when I lost M I fell into the bottle real bad for almist a year. I don't drink now. The things that triggered me about her death that I was finally able to set them aside to deal with her being gone. Now her parents came in and cleaned out the place while at work. Then I was pissed but now I wish I could thank them for the pain they saved me from. It kept me from being able to get closure also but I have it now.
For some destructive behavior is easier then putting on the brave face.
May you find the peace soon I know she would want yiu to have.