[Shystonefem]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

Is stone-ness an identity, a behavioral boundary, or simply a behavior? One butch who has posted in butch-femme forums, as well as in an online bdsm site, (there seems to be a lot of overlap), has written a gorgeous defense of the Stone Butch identity as a state of the soul. Stone-ness as a metaphor. The impenetrability of the Stone Butch (capitalized as a proper noun and a signal of dominance) as a social/spiritual identity. If I could easily find that post I would link to it here. It's hard not to be convinced with language that beautiful and emotionally anchored.

For better or worse, that doesn't apply to me. Being a stonefemme is an important part of who I am, and I'm both empowered and limited by it. My stonefemme identity is core for me, but it is NOT a social identity or a spiritual state for me as it seems to be for some others. It does, however, seem to be very connected to my core identity as a sexual submissive. Being strictly a catcher means that I'm the receptive, submissive counterpart to a sexually dominant partner. In bed. I'm not behaving as a catcher. I AM a catcher. I can't pitch, and I'm not interested in entertaining requests to do so. That would be sex I don't want to have. Whether I'm coerced into it by a badgering date/partner, (If you really cared about me and my needs....), or if I press myself into the act, (I'm a LESBIAN fer Pete's sake! Why can't I do this?), engaging in sex I don't want is a very bad idea. One stonefemme friend described forcing herself to penetrate her butch partner at a time prior to knowing her own boundaries as raping herself. Yes, it has felt that way to me, too. So... no. I would never call it a simple behavior choice. Not for me. It's part of my identity, just as being a lesbian is my identity.

Would a femme without her own stone boundaries, who respects the boundaries of her stone butch partner, subsequently be called a stonefemme because she is behaving as one? Everyone can self identify in all the ways of their own choosing, but I wouldn't call that person a stonefemme. Being a stonefemme means those are your own boundaries.

And because I couldn't turn off the feminist critique even if my life depended on it, I have to add that I think it's incredibly important for women to define ourselves rather than to define who we are in relationship to our partners.

Exactly what you said