[Nat]

I do that eyelash thing too - never thought anything of it though. I also skin pick and scratch til I bleed sometimes, though I've never talked about it or even thought about it as self-injury.

I have loved 4 cutters (not all romantically). The first time I saw still-red cuts under a sleeve that had crept up too high, it upset me very much and very immediately. But cutting makes sense to me logically even if it's not what I do. It seems in a way like a coping mechanism that must be effective enough to keep a person on this planet. Two of the cutters I've known were handling a lot of personal pain, and the other two had high anxiety. I can't claim to understand it, though like I said, it does make sense to me in my own head.

My other self-harm compulsions have been through the more common (perhaps) routes of overeating, comfort-deprivation, spending money I can't afford to spend, forcing myself into sex I didn't want or that harmed me, staying in or going back to emotionally abusive situations, smoking, drinking, occasionally drugging (not lately), other self-sabotaging behaviors. I went through a bout of intentional purging for maybe 3 months once. It became easily compulsive, just like eating or sex (or hitting refresh on an internet browser), and I found it weirdly satisfying. Looking for privacy, the ritual of it, perfecting my technique, creating a routine, eating with the knowledge that it wouldn't be staying down, keeping this secret, knowing that when somebody told me I looked thinner and told me I was doing a "good job" as though my body were their business, I had this secret evil knowledge that my body was only conforming to their standards because I was *not* taking care of myself - all those things were weirdly satisfying to the point of being kinda fetishy. I was able to stop that though. I didn't discover that stuff until my mid-twenties, and although I would easily get into the pattern again, it just wasn't my main deal.

I take different routes but they all bring some kind of relief. If I manage to cut off one route, another takes its place.

I've been looking lately at trying to really actually heal whatever it is on the inside of me that seems to be the motivating factor. I don't know if I can heal entirely, but I am trying. I am establishing a sense of safety and trust with myself slowly. Part of that is being in a relationship with a person who loves me, whom I love, who also is always safe and supportive for me. Just feeling safe with one person is huge - it helps me feel safer with myself. Then there is my spiritual practice/path. It seems to be making the biggest difference in my life in terms of just making that black hole in me a little less of a big deal, a little less real, a little less of a motivating factor in my life. I don't think it's a thing I can banish entirely, but its grip seems to be loosening and its presence fading as more fulfilling and meaningful things have begun to take up more space in my inner world. I don't know if the skin-picking, scratching or eyelash-pulling will ever fade out, whether I will ever have a healthy relationship with food or whatever, but I am trying to focus on healing the inside stuff more than controlling those compulsions right now. If I start focusing too much on the symptoms, then I don't think I'll be in the right place to heal. The deal for me with the symptoms is - I'm avoiding illegality or behaviors that would seriously destroy the functionality of my life or my relationship, and I'm good with that. If I pick my scalp until it bleeds, who cares? It's such a minor concern for me compared with the other things I could do with these feelings.