[GeorgiaMa'am]

I spent this weekend with my mom. She was really down about some things. Several times she expressed how frustrated she is when she can't think of a word. I told her, I do that too; my doctor told me it's menopause. Another time I told her, I sympathize; it's frustrating to not be able to think of the word you're trying to say, but it's even more so to not even be able to describe the word you're trying to say.

She did seem somewhat relieved that I understood what she was talking about. But her relief only lasted a short while - you see, she forgets what she has said, and sometimes says the same things over and over again. This symptom hasn't gotten really bad. It's possible to carry on a conversation with her. It's just that occasionally she'll bring up the same thing again, or tell the same story she told the night before, or a couple of hours ago.

What really hurt this weekend, though, was the number of times she said, "You all are going to put me in a home if I keep this up." I know this really bothers her, because she mentioned it so many times. And there seems to be nothing I can say to alleviate her fear. "Yeah, I'll be right there in the home with you,", or "If they put people in a home for that, we'd all be locked up," or "You know we're never going to do that." The truth is, my sister has vowed to build a mother-in-law suite on the back of her house if it ever gets so Mom can't live by herself. And my sister can afford it. And she means it.

The really awful truth is, my mother said the same thing about her mother. And my grandmother did come to live with us - for awhile - until her dementia was terrible, and she became violent. And neither Mom, nor any of us, could protect her from herself. She had to live in the state mental hospital, because no private facility would take her after the violence started.

I so do not want to see my mother like that. It's too horrible to imagine - but I do imagine it. My mother is physically very healthy - which on the one hand is a blessing, but on the other? How long can she live and keep her relatively sane mind? How long will she be safe living alone in that house without my dad, who died less than a year ago?

There are few good answers to these questions, and many bad ones.