Surprise! My son said he and J are going to buy me some furniture for a birthday, Christmas combination present! I've been window shopping all over the internet, plotting and planning. I'm so excited I can't hardly stand it. He told me with the holidays right around the corner, people coming into town and staying with them, someone with a baby already living with them and a baby of their own on the way we'll have to take it slow, a little here, a little there okay? Yes! I mean on the little SS I receive it would take me a really long time to get the things we discussed. The only catch is I have to make Amazon.com my new best friend because my son hates to shop, running store to store for some of it here some of it there. Even buying from multiple places online – he hates it. If I just stick it all on Amazon and stay within budget he'll be happy. All he really wants to do when it comes to shopping is get it the hell over with. He's just like his dad.
One day when I was married, his father said – Wait! I almost forgot, I need some work clothes. Then drove us straight to Kmart. I said oh my God you're not going pull these up nearly to your armpits cinch a belt around your lower rib cage to keep them up so the world can see you're wearing tube socks paired with dress pants from the 1950's are you? Enough for every day of the week just in different colors? And the way he said – Why what's wrong with that? Told me yep, that was the plan and even if we won the lottery, the way he intended to dress for the rest of his natural life. I told myself, well... I guess the good news is, if he wears them fishing we won't need to buy him any waders because those things are expensive. And if he wears them to funerals that will be a good time to cry about the way he dresses without him getting defensive because he'll just think it's because I'm mourning the loss of whoever died. My mother asked me – Well didn't you notice this about him while you were dating? No, why? We were just dating. I never planned to marry him. If I'd have known I was going to be stuck with it for the rest of my life I might have paid a little more attention.
Well if left to his own devices and we still had a K-Mart in town that would be my son's plan too. Since we don't he has to buy all his dress shirts at second hand stores so we can make sure he has all the latest styles, each of them in plaid. Fortunately his wife agrees with me, he needs Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, desperately. She's already got him to purchase three pair of sweatpants. Hey it's a start. Hurry J hurry, hurry! It's only several short years until the novelty wears off and after that he'll only do what his mistress wants. Fix him now while you still can.
|