[GeorgiaMa'am]

I'm feeling apprehensive. For several years, I've been sidestepping a (former?) friend. Basically, I screwed up: we were flirting, as we had the habit of doing. He's a gay man, so I thought this was totally safe flirting, just for fun. Then I took it a little too far one night; it was at a party, we had been drinking, and we were lying on his bed (which we had done many times in the past, in just a close, friendly way). He flirted back in a way that went just a little too far - and it shocked me. It occurred to me that he could be serious. And I freaked out - just a little, but it was enough. I realized that my mouth had written a check that my ass couldn't cash. And, I got up off the bed, made some lame excuse, and ran away, basically.

From talking to a mutual friend later, I realized I had really hurt his feelings. We have only seen each other since then when we are around our mutual friend - like for a funeral. We send each other Christmas cards, but like our conversations around our mutual friend, they are carefully worded. Not so much cold, but distant. And I have never been invited to another party. Nor have I invited him to anything.

I did a lot of thinking while I was going through cancer, about things I regret in my life. There aren't many, thank goodness, but I do regret messing up this friendship. I think about him often. I wonder if I should call, I've consulted our mutual friend about how he thinks the friend might take it. But I've never done anything about it.

Until now. He was on my mind again (it's Christmas card writing time again) and I thought, I have mostly recovered from my cancer treatments and other illnesses. There's no reason I couldn't give him a call and ask to meet up. Because I want to make this apology in person. It's much too deep to do it over the phone, or worse text (although a part of me, that part that is still highly embarrassed over this whole thing, would love to do it by text or phone. But no. No, no, no.)

So I gave myself a good talking to, and then I called him Sunday night. And we are meeting tomorrow night for dinner. Thus, the apprehension. And I know I can get through this, although it will be painfully embarrassing. I just hope he forgives me, and that we can be real friends again.