[JustLovelyJenn]

So, I'm suffering from insomnia pretty bad lately. Running on 3 maybe 4 hours of sleep a night. My head just wont shut off. I have so many things filling the spaces, so much thought, I just cant stop it to go to sleep. I just keep waiting for the calm and it never comes. The thing is I don't understand why now, well... maybe I do. Things are finally going good for me, starting to. So this is when all the doubts kick in right? Cause it cant really last, something has to happen to take it all away. I don't want to feel that way this time.

All of it is because of me this time around the track. I am doing it for myself, not to please someone else, not because I am supposed to, not to give the impression of normalcy when I am screaming inside. I made these choices to bring around some good changes. I don't want to wait for it to all fall apart this time, I want it to keep getting better.

For the first time in my life I am living independently of someone else's desires and wants. Even though I am living with my parents, its my choice this time. A logical choice because I understand that my children, and my son in particular, will greatly benefit from their extra presence, and sharing my financial responsibilities with them will allow me to give my children opportunities I couldn't otherwise. I am in control of my life, and I am making healthy choices. THAT'S A BIG DEAL.

So why am I still feeling this way, why do I still hear that voice that says, your gonna fuck it up again? Why can't I be happy to be moving in the right direction? I'm working, and I love my job. I have a plan to go back to school and pursue the career I have always dreamed of. There is no reason for me to try and sabotage my own happiness. But, I feel myself starting to do it.