[Scota_Parisi]

Five years ago this month, I began the process of "coming out" by telling my husband (of 12 years). He then helped me by angrily outing me to our families and a few of our friends. His gay brother tried to tell me that I was coming out "too late" for women that come out in their later years. My very lesbian (and quite lesbian chic) therapist told "I don't think you are gay." She of course was no different than the women I met when I was younger in the military. Apparently being pretty wasn't gay enough for them. Wanting to wear my heels, my makeup and my hair stylish - wasn't militant lesbian enough.

Then there was "The Butch" who really was just one of those militant lesbians styling herself as butch. She said she wanted to help me understand what a real lesbian is, all the while purporting to tell me what a "Femme's" role was. She, in all honestly, was a lazy woman who wanted someone to clean and pick up after her all the time while hiding behind the Butch Femme status.

Thinking a lot lately about the road that led me to this point.. to here. Have had a lot of Butch / Femme friends come and go over the past few years. Met some wonderful BF couples, that have shown me the amazing possibilities out there.

Dated one woman who will never come out. Not that you couldn't tell by looking at her, but she just won't. Fear of family and her church - she came out to me. We've been close friends practically our entire life. It turned out, that I was safe for her. Safe can leave a person very lonely. And lonely hurts in a whole variety of ways. Safe can also lead you to dark areas, you never thought you'd tread. I don't require that my partner be screaming in the streets, but it was hard when my Dad died and she was there in a "just friends" capacity. Likewise when hers passed away. How could one mourn, worried that someone "might see"?

Yep, I've met a couple of you who in the end, broke my heart. But truthfully, as painful as it was, that had never happened before. The closest thing I could ever relate to it up until I came out, was anything involving my children. And for the joy of feeling love, I will hang on to the roller coaster with all my strength.

To know and feel love and feel that love being returned.. FINALLY... feel it. Yeah, it hurts like hell sometimes - but.. life's funny - and .. I have come out of all of these things ... better for them.

The best is yet to come. I tuck my memories in a special place in my heart.

They make me who I am today, a kick ass, beautiful femme !!!

{/scota tangent off}