[The Oopster]

Originally Posted by tuffboi29

First of all...Thanks guys...Seriously...Thank you.
So right now I'm quietly and discreetly packing...umm...My boxerbriefs.
Besides this and one other post I haven't spoken about this with anyone but my girlfriend.
I have to say it feels...idk...right?

I remember the first time I packed feeling this same way and wondering how a piece of silicone could help fill in some of the missing pieces of me, but it did. As time has progressed, what, how, and if I pack ebbs and flows. It was hard for some other people to get that, even femmes. I think I needed to do it so badly all the time at first because it was an identity of me that had been missing for years. Now 5 years later there are times I just dont' need to. Most of the time I still do but I'm okay if I don't.

Originally Posted by tuffboi29

I'm just learning what this in me is exactly...definitions and such...But more importantly how alot of this applies to me.How I relate to it.
I've just recently admitted for the first time my first fantisies.Which were of girls.And as myself in the male role.
What I thought of as a child. Could I maybe wake one morn and be a boy? Would I finally be "right" then?
When I first realized I was a girl I was made to use a public womens restroom for the first time by myself. I was horrified and thought there was a very serious mistake on the adult's part in making me go in there. I kept thinking just why the HELL they would force me go in THERE with the GIRLS?
Before I was old enough to understand the difference between the boys and girls, I ran with my bio male cousins on the farm...I ran about shirtless with them, hunted and went fishing with them, climbed trees and explored the woods and farmlands.I was one of them.
I remember trying to explain to my ma just why I shouldn't go to the girls bathroom or wear dresses and even the time I told her I was goin to marry a girl one day....the words she used to describe MY thoughts and MY f****** feelings (when I was once told my thoughts and feelings were just THAT...MINE!)...I was told I was unnatural...god would call me an abonmination...I better NEVER tell anyone else lest I embarressed the family at church...Guys, I was sent to a M*****F****** christian therapy camp to help "cure" me of these evil thoughts for surely the devil was tempting me to go against god's will.

A couple of years ago when I was going through the whole which bathroom to use dilema and not feeling like I had a bathroom to go in ... I flashed back to the first grade. I had to go to the dr. because almost every day during reading class I had to go to the bathroom. They wondered if something was wrong physically with me. The whole bathroom dilema made me remember it and what was really happening. I could see myself standing outside the bathroom doors wanting to go into the boys and knowing I had to go in the girls but feeling it wasn't right to go in there either. I may have even used the boys once or twice i can't remember that but I do remember finally just making myself go into the girls when no one was looking. After I went to the drs and nothing was wrong ... I was forced to go in with the girls at bathroom time. I also remember going passed the boys lockeroom thinking that was the room I should be going in.

All my friends prior to going to school were boys. Girls seem to be the pretty little things that looked like they would break if they played with me.

I also remember the first time I was told I had to keep my shirt on because I was a girl .. i tore it off and ran around the yard yelling no I'm a boy, I'm a boy.

Family is hard, I'm sorry yours has been so condemning.

Originally Posted by tuffboi29

When I was older and with my ex-wife I saw a news report back in '99 about a successfull operation to make a female into a male. My first thought was "OMG MY WHOLE LIFE COULD BE THE WAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!"
Stupid me tried to open up about it to my ex and once again the words that were lashed at me shut me up all over.(What if she told my parents?!They had me committed once for this.)
So untill these past 4 months my thoughts on this subject were as limited as my knowledge and understanding.
I feel like I'm rambling again so I'm goin to end this with a final thought and thanks.
My thanks is to my wonderful ya'fa girlfriend who brought me not only to this site but took the time and patience to help me understand what myself and others had sought to destroy and hide.(And of course she ever so discretely guided me to FTM threads and friends of hers...lol)
My final thought is for you guys.The bravery it must have took to forge this path!! I will never be able to express my gratitude too be able to finally speak freely and ask the questions I was never given the chance too.

I think a lot of us have been fortunate to have someone placed in our lives that could see us when we couldn't see ourselves.

I was fortnuate also to find a site like this one within the first year of realizing my attraction to women. That is why I will always remain a part of this community. If other transgendered men had not been on that site I may still not have gotten to the truth of who I really am. Yes there are ftm sites but if I hadn't had interaction with them I would never have been able to realize that when I'm looking at them I'm seeing me. I wouldn't have know to even look that way. An arena like this allowed me to have the bridge to move towards the destination of me.