[Spirit Dancer]

Originally Posted by fiercegrrl

so, in the last week i've had some scary days. i almost went to the hospital one night because it hurt so bad to take a deep breath. and then i had a three day stretch where i could not hold down food, water, or meds. so i almost went to the hospital again. it's still not ruled out all the way as i'm experiencing a lot of nausea.
but i met with my palliative care doctor on monday and he suggested that hospice care might be appropriate for me. and i can still be enrolled in it as i go through clinical trials.
i agreed. and i'm still having panic attacks about it.
i don't know how to tell my family or friends. i'm afraid they will think that it means i am giving up. which is not the case at all. but i'm very realistic and don't sugar coat my life and i know that there will be no miracle cures for me. the clinical trials that i'm hopefully going to be starting soon will hopefully add some more time for me. and i want to do everything i can to enjoy everything i can. i want to stop gritting my teeth because i'm stubborn and don't want to take pain meds. i don't want to feel nauseous- i love food! i want to enjoy food!
most people i know want me to live in a fantasty land that i won't die. i don't want to live in a fantasy land of denial.
oy i'm rambling...

FG
Going into hospice isn't giving up, it's another tool in your fight against this Cancer, a tool to help you remain strong and try to be free of pain. Let your family know you're not giving up that you are simply adding to your exsisting support system. Panic is a coping mechanism we use when we fear losing our control, it is okay to feel. Know if you need more support there are many online support groups as well there are many in the DC area, if you should neeed anything PM and i'll link you site.
Hope, Faith and healing light to you.