[Nat]

Class for me was always a mixed bag. We were poor, but my extended family wasn't. My dad was absent and there was no child support, and my mom was a secretary. My clothes, my shoes often had holes. My mom would bring me clothes her coworkers' kids had outgrown, we ate cheaply, blah blah blah. But I was surrounded by books and art and music. My grandparents paid for my cello lessons from the age of 6. They didn't want to help my mother too much because they "didn't want to discourage her from finding a husband."

I was expected to graduate from college. A bachelor's degree was the minimum requirement to be a legitimate member of the family - it seemed. But my family did not contribute by either offering to house me or help pay for my education. I lived off an older boyfriend and student loans before I finally dropped out and became a graveyard-shift security guard at the age of 19.

I enjoyed my job. I read many books I otherwise never would have read and have now almost entirely forgotten (like Anna Karenina). I wandered through large, empty buildings. I attended the firings of volatile employees. I woke up homeless drunk men every morning in the parking garage before my boss got to work. The amount of sexual harrassment I received and the amount of people who talked to me like I was a POS or who ignored me completely was a big shock to me at the time - it was so different than I was treated by teachers, peers and family members in my old life.

It was very interesting seeing how differently people treated me depending on my perceived class.

I married into a wealthy family, I finished my degree (I still took out loans - which I will be paying off forever, but no longer qualified for financially based grants due to my marriage). He always seemed to translate me to his family as though I was a little too alien for them. We bought houses. I got to spend a summer at Oxford. But on a weekend trip to London, two classmates and I went to our first lesbian bar - the Candy Bar. When I walked into that beautiful, loud, shining, packed place, it felt like home. By the next summer, I had left him.

And I began eeking out my little life. I have had better salaries and worse salaries during my adult life. I'm currently on the "worse" side of things, but hopefully not forever. I'm alright though. I'm so thankful to have a job. I'm so thankful to have my degree. I'll be paying it off forever. I have lots of feelings about class and money. I know I have privilege. I also know that I am not polished, and that I feel awkward and unkempt and a bit vulgar among people who are more well-heeled.

I don't fit distinctly into a single class and I never have.