[Scorp]

Ok, here it is:

I knew I was different from a very young age. I remember pouting every time I was put in a dress with frilly lace and tights. My mother would tell me she would have to change me at least 3 times a day, because at the end of the day, my dresses and tights would practically be shredded. I was always rough on my feet and my shoes would wear out. I loved playing with my brother's train set, matchbox cars, racetracks, climbed fences and trees, etc. Nothing lady like about me. Would forever be told to cross my legs when you sit, don't keep them spread apart, bla bla bla.

In grammar school, I was a tomboy and had a lot of friends. I had female best friends and loved them like sisters. To this day, I have my sister friends who i'm close with. I would try to like boys because growing up, I thought it was the right thing to do. From the age of 4 I would continuously fantasize about kissing girls and would get all tingly while dreaming about these feminine girls/women. I had these dreams and fantasies for many, many years and to be honest, it scared me. I was a girl and shouldn't I be liking boys? Why do I have crushes on girls??

OK, so here's the cringing part. I even tried dating guys as I got older, but the relationship(s) would never last. Guys would hit on me all the time. I had long hair, and wore some make up and was foxy! LOL Some guys even wanted to me marry me <gulp> These guys were really great people and I couldn't go on and be something I wasn't, so I would end the relationship(s) and break hearts. It killed me to do that to these great guys at the time, but, bottom line, I never felt the same way about them and was never sexually attracted to them, ever, so it was best to end things, rather than go through the motions. I was so very conflicted. My exterior was girly, but internally I always felt masculine and saw myself as masculine. I looked one way, but felt another. What the hell is going on with me!?

I was raised in a strict, italian catholic household. I couldn't fathom the thought of <what I thought was shame> to my family by being gay. I decided that I would just go through life with my own deepest, darkest secret and go to the grave with it and came to terms that I'm going to be alone until the day I die. I actually was ok with that at the time.

How could I shame my parents, they'll disown me. That scared me. I was too busy thinking about everyone else rather than myself. I tried telling my mother and was basically told I would have to be the one to answer to God for this. My dad was very cool with it, we hugged, cried and he told me all he wanted before his eyes are to close is for me to be happy.

Then one day, it happened. I had what I thought was my first female love. I did the long distance thing for 4 years with a straight women who thought she was gay. She said no one had ever made her feel the way I did and I really thought I was in love. Being with another female felt right, it was normal to me. I never had to second guess anything and it was amazing and exactly what I had envisioned all these years. It started to become complicated for her and a lot of broken promises started being made to me. One day I finally said that I couldn't do this with her. Things started to happen and I found myself straying because in my heart, I knew it wasn't meant to be. We both ended it. It was very difficult for me and I went through a bit of a depression as it was my first love. But I was getting tired of broken promises. I mean, c'mon 4 fucking years already. Shit or get off the pot. So, I got off the pot as hard as it was.

A few weeks went by I finally snapped out of it and did a google search and found the other b-f website. It was great. I learned a lot about myself and felt like I fit in. It was normal to have conflictions within yourself and there were others out there just like me. OMFG sound the trumpets <rubbing eyes> Is this real??? What the hell, there are folks out there like me! How fuckin' happy am I!

However, I was ridiculed for having long hair at the time and some folks made fun of me questioning the butch thing. Everyone was after me to put a picture up in the gallery but I didn't want to do that right away, just because, no special reason. I wanted folks to get to know me by chatting and believe it or not, I was shy. YES, me shy, imagine that? Then, I finally put the picture up after a couple of months. All they saw was the long hair and that was it, that's when the ridiculing started. It also didn't matter to other folks either, because it's all about an energy. But still, it wasn't cool to be condemned like that. I never labeled myself. I sure the fuck wasn't fem, but more tomboy like. They had given me the butch label.

I would look at the gallery pictures and see different variations of butches. Does it matter? Why single me out? Again, I started to feel like where do I belong if I don't measure up to the butch "expectation" etc. as they were saying. Some of those folks made it matter and I was a bit uncomfortable. The reason why I got the "butch label" was because of my energy.

On a happier note, after being on that site for 3 years (at the time) I met a lot of awesome people and then I met my wonderful, beautiful fem. I had no intention of meeting anyone <especially in a chat room of all places> plus I wasn't looking for love, hell no, especially after the other relationship. I wanted to have fun! So, there I was in chat, started off as the usual flirting, then the phone calls, then the visits, and after a year, she relocated to be near me. We both had our own apartments and never moved in with each other until a year later.

We've been together for 7-1/2 years now and i've been blessed a million folds over As time goes on, you realize it's about you and not everyone else. So fuck em and what they think. I am who I am. The best way I identify is as a pretty boi as I've been told and how others see me. And, my fem sure the hell didn't mind the long hair at the time

P.S. I decided to cut my hair because I wanted a different look. NOT because of pressure, but because I always wanted spikey, crazy hair to match my personality and dammit I've been wearing it well ever since!

So moral of my story is never say never, because life is so damn strange, you just never know what or who is waiting around the corner for you.

Sorry for the long reply, but...this is my story

The End.

-Scorp-