hey y'all
i've read this thread from the beginning, and i have so much to say, i can't stand it! As i was reading i finally started jotting down notes for myself because otherwise i'd have forgotten 90% of what i wanted to say (with the notes, i'll only forget about 30%
)
i was told i had PTSD about a year ago. The dr who told me this said so in passing, and nothing else was said about it, so of course i went to my trusted online ally - google. For months, i argued with google results, there was *no* way i could have PTSD! But....i eventually stopped fighting and started just reading and learning and.... ok...i am at a point where i can admit that i may indeed have it. Maybe.
OK...time for the disclaimer, people! What i'm posting are only my opinions, thoughts and ideas. i am just venting, i guess....i've never talked to anyone else who has gone through similar stuff, so i'm all newbie-green with enthusiasm! Please bear with me, this is gonna be a book!
i can so relate to many of you and what you've had to say. i also have lots of the issues on that original checklist posted. Who knows if they come from the PTSD? Maybe some do & some don't, maybe the underlying reasons overlap? For me, one of the ones that stood out most was the blunted affect thing. i've often been told i don't get excited, nothing makes me happy, etc. my therapist told me that when i first started talking about the issues (that i think started the whole PTSD thing) i was very distant and non-emotional about it...very cold in my retelling.
When i was in my mid-twenties (i'm 43 now), i entered therapy for the first time. i knew i was really screwed up and i had a toddler that i desperately did NOT want to screw up, so i decided to get help and learn how not to pass on the generational screwed-upness that has been in my family for gawd only knows how long. (i ended up screwing him up anyway, but that's beside this point)
Through therapy, i learned lots about myself and why i am the way i am. It was the most exhausting, intensely painful thing i've even done and i wouldn't change a thing about the process even if i could (except to maybe have done it earlier). There were sessions that i would leave from feeling as if i'd done 12 hours of manual labor, i was so completely worn out.
Anyway, after ending that therapy, i figured my world was set. i'm sitting here shaking my head at how ignorant i was about myself and life back then. i had no idea that i would still be fighting some of the same battles today.
One of the things i've learned is that for me, this crap is an on-going thing that i will have to deal with for the rest of my life. i can forgive, i can work through things and move on from them, i can confront and put aside stuff. But i will still have to continue facing myself and my issues.
Unfortunately, it is not a case of, "ok, i've dealt with it. i've done all the steps, faced everything and accepted or let go of what i needed to. i feel ok with it, so now it's done. Never have to deal with that again. Yay!" Nope....i may have dealt with a situation or a crisis, but tomorrow is a new day with new stuff.
i lost respect for my mama when i was 13. i discovered that she would not protect me from evil like i assumed she would. In my mid-thirties, i accepted that she was mentally ill. A few years later, i decided i could no longer handle her being a part of my life. It has taken me from that time til about a year ago to make it stick.
The thing that i was hung up on was that this was my
mama. She was supposed to love me, protect me, be there for me. And as her child, i was supposed to do the same for her. No matter what. Society says we have an obligation to our parents. That we should respect them, honor them and never turn our backs on them. i have decided, for me, that society is wrong (not only on this matter, but again...beside the point).
What society doesn't account for is when these people...these mere human beings, have their own issues & demons. How can one be a healthy parent if one is not a healthy person? i resented my mama for years for hurting me emotionally. How could she?? Why did she?? What the heck was she thinking???? The answer is....she is/was mentally ill. She was trying desperately and failing wonderfully at trying to deny & ignore her own demons while raising 2 kids, doing what society said she had to do. She was/is miserable, deep down in her soul.
my mama has always been a negative emotional influence on me. i have tried talking to her, going to therapy with her. She has acknowledged her issues. But, she cannot and/or will not do anything about them. So....i had to decide: do i continue to allow myself to be a part of her hell? If so, i had to accept that that would mean i would be making myself miserable and depressed too. If not, then i had to accept that society would shun me.
Which could i more easily live with? Inner hell and torment, or inner peace and safety? Honestly, the decision was not easy. i fought with myself for a long time, waffling back & forth, trying to compromise, setting boundaries with her. But finally i had to face the fact that my emotional and physical well-being suffered immeasurably while she was a part of my life. And so, i did it. The easy way...i wrote her a letter. i justified the letter by telling myself i had had many face-to-face talks with her about this very thing. And that by writing a letter, i could take time to organize my thoughts and feelings, and be sure i didn't forget something. And it would give her something tangible to hold on to, so that she could go back & read it over & over as she asked herself why and processed what was happening. And, well....i really just didn't want yet another, "rhonda, stop being so silly." conversation with her.
It was a great decision, i must say. my quality of life has improved, because now i don't worry about middle of the night phone calls or running to the hospital or her house every time she or a family member called with the latest emergency. i don't have to hear her criticism, her hate, her sob stories.
One of the many questions i kept asking myself during this process was if i could be consistent with my decision? Whatever i decided, i had to be sure i could stick to it....no matter what. i didn't want it to be another situation of, "one more time, mama, and that's it! i can't handle this anymore!" only to be right back in the same place the next time. So, yes, this is a life-long decision. i will not go back. People have asked what if...what if she really does change? what if she gets sick? what if she's at death's door? my answer is: first, i can only say what i
hope i'll do, because i haven't been faced with that situation yet. But what i hope i'll do is stick to my decision. Nothing that possibly might happen is worth my emotional health. Nothing. Not even death.
i stopped hating and blaming my mama a long time ago. It did nothing to help me....in fact, it was eating away at my soul. What happened, happened, and it was made far worse because of her decisions. But i finally figured out that it was
me who was gonna have to try and fix me, not mama. She can't do a dang thing about it now. So, i chose to accept that it happened and she was a huge part of it, but that was then and this is now. As long as i was holding onto my hate and anger for her and the hurt because of her, i would always be living in it. i would always be having flashbacks and moments full of fear and intense depression because of it.
Today, i practice One Day at a Time. i say practice because it is soooooo something i have to work on. When i can do it successfully, it helps in so many ways, but mostly it helps me maintain some semblance of inner peace.
Inner peace.....utopia. It's what we all want.. it's what we all
need. And it's so hard to find, to reach, to hold on to. That is what i want for me and for everyone else...inner peace. One day at a time.
rhonda