Originally Posted by Stoney
So here's the place to tell a story....
I guess my earliest memory was when I was around 3-4 years old
when I really wanted to be Peter Pan (I think I was in love with
Wendy) .I remember getting caught with my skirt tucked in my
leotards standing on the back of grandpa's chair.
Through out elementary school I was kinda fat and that was my
main issue, I got made fun of and boys picked on me endlessly.
Back then I just wanted wished I was a boy so it didnt matter if I
wasn't as pretty, or what I wore, or whether I was fat or not. I didn't like dresses because I played rough and always sported skinned knees and I was always afraid my dress would come up, or be pulled up (and it was ).I used to roll up blue jeans under them.
About the time I was 10 or so I was taller and bigger than most of the boys and girls in my class , an incident happened on the
playground where a bunch of boys in my sisters class knocked her down and stole her skirt and went running.
That day for the first time, in defense of my sister , I kicked some ass, I whooped on about 5 of them sending three home early that day as well as my self because of a 2 day suspencion.
I think I became a bully after that, using my size to intimidate
boys my age and also to hide my feelings of feeling like I did not
fit in with the girls. They called me a tomboy. I got into sports. I
was the only girl on my little league team, I played basketball,
threw shot put, etc....
I developed early, got boobs around 11 started my period in third
grade. In 5th grade I met another tomboy new to our school and we became best friends.
I guess we had a thing for each other but I honestly had no Idea
what it was. I had never once heard of homosexuality, not even
once. I remember my grandma saying Liberache was a queer ,but I had no Idea what that meant and just agreed that he was indeed a strange fellow.
By the time junior high came , Liz and I were the Lezzies... the
queers.. STILL did not have a clue. By 13 my fighting put me in
the court system. I was sent to detentions which I broke out of and foster cares where I was abused and ran away from , I was sent to shrinks and ministers. and eventually to girls training school and then on to prison at 17 for 14 months.
i was in the system for ten long years from age 12 on.
When I was fourteen living on the streets, after running away I ended up sold to a pimp ..and well....some terrible terrible things happened but yeah it did not make me feel any better about men thats for sure. My female anatomy was terribly scarred by rape and sexual torture , I lost a baby at 6 months along because of it , and nearly my life.The doc's told me Id probably never have a baby....this news was devastating because more than anything I always wanted to be a mother.
I left my secrets feelings for other women just that. And after I got out I tried my best to feminize myself. hair make up, heels dresses the whole nine yards.
I was promiscuous , and I couldnt tell people no, especially men, I felt guilty for not liking men like I should, I felt like I couldnt be truly turned on by them but figured it was because of the abuse and not thought of the the possibility I was a lesbian... It never seemed like an option in my world. I would cringe while men went down on me,and felt numb physically and emotionally during sex....I just shut down..
Some where in there I had the internal notion that I was being
punished for my relationships with and feelings for womyn when I was inside. I was completely convinced I was fucked in the head.
In 1984 I married a wonderful kind gentle man we had three
children in the 3 years and 8 months we were married.I later had
my 4th child by another man.
As a young single woman with 4 kids, I began to remember
incidents of abuse and incest from my childhood I had tucked away, and forgotten. I got therapy, and realized I seriously had not been responsible for the things that happened to me and I forgave myself and my abusers.
Once that was out of the way I could see who I really was
underneath all my masks.
I came out at age 30, like I was shot out of a cannon. and have been a loud proud in your face feminist dyke ever since....
Of course there was much that happened in between but that may be best said in a different post.....
I'm not sure why I felt the need to share all this.... but what the
hell......maybe too much coffee??
Peace Stoney
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