Butch Femme Planet - View Single Post - Gay Marriage until...a break up. Why Gays need to walk the walk.

TenderKnight · 07-27-2010, 02:42 PM

You know, I just spent about 30 minutes trying to express myself about how I feel about the whole marrege thing in a new thread.. And about 30 minutes into it I looked at the clock and said, WTF?? I don't even know where I'd post all the crap I was pouring onto the page.. lol

I guess the sum of it is this.. My folks have been together for almost 40 years.. They had tough times.. REALLY tough.. I remember the fights and stuff that went on behind thier closed doors when I was growing up.. Yet, today, they are still together and going strong. That is what a commited relationship is all about.. After the day was done, they love each other and are in a partnership.. You don't just leave. You stick it out.. You give each other space, you listen and HEAR what the other person is saying..

I guess that I'm a bit jaded.. I've always been in the heart space of let's work it out.. When my partner says that it's over and that's it, I don't get it.. I beleive that time is needed and when I give someone space, it is with the belief that in that space, we are still trying to work toward a common goal.. Seeing what we can do to make it work. I guess that not everyone feels that way..

I donno.. I am really trying not to dredge up past stuff here, but recently I met with an ex and there was still love for each other there.. No, I'm not going to try to get back with her.. She is in another space and she doesn't need me there. I can accept that.. My issue is that when we seperated the first time, we'd agreed that we'd give it time and see what comes after a certain amount of time, at that time, it was a year. In my head, I felt like that was the agreement.. Now, I realize that it is NOT fair for someone to put thier life on hold for another if that pewrson (me) was going through shit that was purely thier (my) space. I was trying to get sober and get my shit together..

Gah.. See what I mean?? lol.. I guess my point is that I'm a nester. When I'm commited, I'm there and I have a hard time NOT being there.. Maybe that is why I'm single?? lol.. I donno.

In the terms of marriage, i think that there is a lot of hype about being equal and stuff, but the under lying MEANING of marriage, to *ME* is better or for worse.. It isn't about the wedding, it isn't about tax breaks.. It's about being in a real and viable partnership.. When you bring the legal stuff in, it becomes a business of two (or more if you are poly and involved in more then one commited partnerships). It becomes legal. I feel that some people can and do abuse this, both gay folks and straight folks.. It becomes a trap to keep someone there and it becomes a safety net because if it doesn't work out, you can get compensated.

Bah.. Marriage is just such a eye roll for me these days.. I see 18 year olds getting married and then breaking up 2 years later.. I have been to many weddings and commitment ceramonies where the main point is that it's a huge show. A way to prove to one another that they mean business. That just boggles my mind. *sighs* I have no idea if I'm being clear at all and I actually looked for a thread about commitment and working things out.. I wasn't able to find one, but if I missed it, I'm sorry..

My point is this.. I really feel that some folks think of marriage as this magical realm and a happy ending. In my head, that is just the beginning of a long road full of awesome vistas and terrifing lows, a road that two people travel together. Sometimes people get distracted on the trip.. The other partner waits for them to catch up.. Some folks get fucking WORN OUT and need to stop walking for a bit.. That is when the other person stops and waits it out or maybe offers some comfort. Sometimes, maybe the two folks need a road map, and they seek for answers at the welcome station by the road (this would be finding a therapist or faith counceling). The road doesn't end and the point is to travel it together.

I feel that people put a lot of weight on the legal stuff and not enough on the commitment. That is my beef with the whole same-sex marriage thing.. People are turning it into some kind of beacon to hold and without the word MARRIAGE the relationship isn't as real in the eyes of the mainstream and the eyes of other GLBTQ folks. I beleive that if you are in a commited relationship and are living in the USA, you should be getting the same tax breaks and stuff, both good and bad.

Another point of making a relationship *legal* and putting it on the books.. It is now not only a spiritual contract, but a business contract as well. That involves courts and lawyers and judges and money and property. Not to mention if thier happen to be children involved..

OK, I think I'm done.. I hope that some of that ramble was clear and my points got across.. I truely need an editor when I post like this.. lol

SuperFemme, I hope that my ramble is on topic and relavent to this thread.. Thank you for starting the thread and I look forward to reading more posts within it.

In Light,
Tony

07-27-2010, 02:42 PM	#14
TenderKnight Member How Do You Identify?: Kinky Poly Transman Preferred Pronoun?: He Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Monroe, NC Posts: 551 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 773 Thanked 822 Times in 256 Posts Rep Power: 2402408	You know, I just spent about 30 minutes trying to express myself about how I feel about the whole marrege thing in a new thread.. And about 30 minutes into it I looked at the clock and said, WTF?? I don't even know where I'd post all the crap I was pouring onto the page.. lol I guess the sum of it is this.. My folks have been together for almost 40 years.. They had tough times.. REALLY tough.. I remember the fights and stuff that went on behind thier closed doors when I was growing up.. Yet, today, they are still together and going strong. That is what a commited relationship is all about.. After the day was done, they love each other and are in a partnership.. You don't just leave. You stick it out.. You give each other space, you listen and HEAR what the other person is saying.. I guess that I'm a bit jaded.. I've always been in the heart space of let's work it out.. When my partner says that it's over and that's it, I don't get it.. I beleive that time is needed and when I give someone space, it is with the belief that in that space, we are still trying to work toward a common goal.. Seeing what we can do to make it work. I guess that not everyone feels that way.. I donno.. I am really trying not to dredge up past stuff here, but recently I met with an ex and there was still love for each other there.. No, I'm not going to try to get back with her.. She is in another space and she doesn't need me there. I can accept that.. My issue is that when we seperated the first time, we'd agreed that we'd give it time and see what comes after a certain amount of time, at that time, it was a year. In my head, I felt like that was the agreement.. Now, I realize that it is NOT fair for someone to put thier life on hold for another if that pewrson (me) was going through shit that was purely thier (my) space. I was trying to get sober and get my shit together.. Gah.. See what I mean?? lol.. I guess my point is that I'm a nester. When I'm commited, I'm there and I have a hard time NOT being there.. Maybe that is why I'm single?? lol.. I donno. In the terms of marriage, i think that there is a lot of hype about being equal and stuff, but the under lying MEANING of marriage, to ME is better or for worse.. It isn't about the wedding, it isn't about tax breaks.. It's about being in a real and viable partnership.. When you bring the legal stuff in, it becomes a business of two (or more if you are poly and involved in more then one commited partnerships). It becomes legal. I feel that some people can and do abuse this, both gay folks and straight folks.. It becomes a trap to keep someone there and it becomes a safety net because if it doesn't work out, you can get compensated. Bah.. Marriage is just such a eye roll for me these days.. I see 18 year olds getting married and then breaking up 2 years later.. I have been to many weddings and commitment ceramonies where the main point is that it's a huge show. A way to prove to one another that they mean business. That just boggles my mind. sighs I have no idea if I'm being clear at all and I actually looked for a thread about commitment and working things out.. I wasn't able to find one, but if I missed it, I'm sorry.. My point is this.. I really feel that some folks think of marriage as this magical realm and a happy ending. In my head, that is just the beginning of a long road full of awesome vistas and terrifing lows, a road that two people travel together. Sometimes people get distracted on the trip.. The other partner waits for them to catch up.. Some folks get fucking WORN OUT and need to stop walking for a bit.. That is when the other person stops and waits it out or maybe offers some comfort. Sometimes, maybe the two folks need a road map, and they seek for answers at the welcome station by the road (this would be finding a therapist or faith counceling). The road doesn't end and the point is to travel it together. I feel that people put a lot of weight on the legal stuff and not enough on the commitment. That is my beef with the whole same-sex marriage thing.. People are turning it into some kind of beacon to hold and without the word MARRIAGE the relationship isn't as real in the eyes of the mainstream and the eyes of other GLBTQ folks. I beleive that if you are in a commited relationship and are living in the USA, you should be getting the same tax breaks and stuff, both good and bad. Another point of making a relationship legal and putting it on the books.. It is now not only a spiritual contract, but a business contract as well. That involves courts and lawyers and judges and money and property. Not to mention if thier happen to be children involved.. OK, I think I'm done.. I hope that some of that ramble was clear and my points got across.. I truely need an editor when I post like this.. lol SuperFemme, I hope that my ramble is on topic and relavent to this thread.. Thank you for starting the thread and I look forward to reading more posts within it. In Light, Tony __________________ The beatings shall continue.. until moral improves..