[Unndunn]

My heart goes out to you. I think you've gotten some great advice from people already and all I can do is share what worked for me and what was the hardest when I lost my mother last year. I was her primary caretaker for the last six months of her life and was completely exhausted for most of that time. She had multiple chronic illnesses and was grieving the death of my father who died in 2007. She lost her will to live and my brothers and I struggled on a daily basis with trying to lift her spirits, urging her to eat one more bite, to try getting out of bed, to see at least some beauty and hope in the world. At a certain point I made the transition to just being her advocate, even when I didn't agree with what she wanted. Putting those opposing feelings in separate compartments in my head and heart was difficult. I wanted her to live, she wanted to die and be with my father.

I don't know where your mother is in this process and I'm sure she can't even think about much beyond her pain, but I urge you to focus on two things.

The first is being her advocate-- find out what she wants and make sure that everyone on her medical treatment team knows it. Make sure she gets her pain meds on time, make sure she gets them prior to any planned moves (ie going to have tests done, daily hygiene from nursing staff). Make sure that everyone in your family knows what she wants and are willing to help her or that they respect her enough to not keep her from what she wants and needs. Even if that means that at some point in the future, God forbid, she just wants to die with dignity.

The second thing I hope you and your brother focus on is taking care of yourselves. You need to sleep, take vitamins, become a hand sanitizer freak at the hospital so that you don't catch anything, work out a schedule between friends and family so that everyone who loves her commits to times that they will sit with her and make sure her treatment plan is being followed.

I can't say I know how you feel because everyone's situation is unique. But I do know how I felt and what worked and what didn't. I wish you peace and I wish your mother comfort and freedom from pain.

Unn