Originally Posted by JinxdGirl
I am ..
a self injurer with 18 months of abstinence.
an abuse survivor.
not weak because of mental illness.
I come from a family riddled with mental illness, it's as much nature as lack of nurture in my case. I am well medicated and managing well, but this hasn't always been the case. I do not work. I am on SSD and SSI and have been for 8 years. I will have to remain on these benefits for the foreseeable future, in some capacity, for the insurance. Affording my medication and therapy would be impossible without the assistance of the government. I rarely tell anyone about my disability status unless they are an integral part of my everyday existence, because people can be horribly judgmental and/or use that information as ammunition when things don't go their way.
I have been in therapy/counseling off and on for 21 years. If you did the math, you will know that I started at the age of ten. I do not count my kindergarten year of spending an hour with the school psychologist every day, nor do I count the family therapy that was court ordered and my family attended only one session.
I have attempted suicide more times than I can count, starting around the age of eleven. I have been hospitalized 3 times, the first at the age of 13 and the last at age 24.
I was diagnosed with PMDD at 31. Diagnosed as Bi-Polar at the age of 21. Diagnosed with PTSD at 20. Diagnosed with atypical depression at 19. Diagnosed as Borderline at 15. Diagnosed with anxiety at 11.
I've been on so many different combinations of medicine I can't even remember them all. I do recall, however, my parents telling me that they would not pay for medicine for me because I just needed to stop seeking attention. After all, anything that could have ever been wrong with me was my own doing and had nothing at all to do with the lifetime of abuse and neglect that I was going through/coping with/barely surviving/survived. Please note the sarcasm in that last sentence.
In summation, I am mentally ill. Being judged and stigmatized because of that fact irritates me. I am mentally ill, however I am not the last 12 psychotic girlfriends you had. I shouldn't have to pay for whatever they may have done to you. Discounting anything about me because of my diagnosis is unfair, I am still capable of loving, feeling, parenting, caring, anger, disappointment and anything else so many seem to negate because I am "crazy". I did not wake up one day, when I was 10, and say "Hey! I think I'll be batshitcrazy for the rest of my life!". I control what I can control. I take my medication. I journal daily. I participate in therapy. I cannot wish this away. I've tried. I will not let it define me.
I am mentally ill. But, I am so much more than a laundry list of diagnosis. I am strong, loving, intelligent, witty, fun, friendly, flirty, femme. I am Jinx!
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