[Lillie]

I know in my heart my son is suffering from ptsd..he has done 2 tours in iraq and has isolated himself from all family..occassionally calling or emailing..(him and I were inseperable b4 his tours) I have seen him once in 2 yrs and I do not even have his current home address..I never stop reaching out to him, via phone calls that lead to voicemails because he didn't pick up the phone..to emails gone unanswered..to facebook posts gone unnoticed..but I never stop trying to contact him..reassure him..but as his mother I am lost as to how to get him help...he is a shell of a person..only drinking and hanging with his friends..I can not express the devestation we feel..its like a death..my daughter misses him so much..as do we all..but he ignores all attempts..

He came for a visit after my daughter turned 16 this past May..he laughed the same..but he was vacant..his amazing brown eyes were devoid of emotion..only a few times did the glimmer of the man he use to be show...and I reveled in it..I watched him sleep for hours..just to hear him breath...he is right in front of me but so very far away..I raised such an incredible young man..I know he understands the pain he is causing all his family..and we all just stand back and let him come back to us..but of course we all don't have a choice.do we? I have no idea where he even lives these days..and his phone is turned off...

I recieved a small prayer/poem from my sister - n - law regarding how the family "serves too"..but although geographically he is home..he isn't really here..he is still there...so I guess I will serve this with him..I miss him and it simply takes my breath away at times just how much..I cry often and console my daughter when she does...

I speak to my sister - n - law who's sun served in afghanastan in the airforce (my son is a marine) and gabe didn't come back completely either...he is lost..but at least he came home to his room..my son did not..he is out there..alone and going through it by choice alone...I do not know how to get to him..to help in any way..

signed
lost in the moment of his youth and missing the smell of him

I love you my amazing son..please fight and find your way back

thanks for listening