[firie]

What a great thread! Thanks Zora!

I went about thanking everyone before I could rep, but truly to those posting, I have really appreciated what has been shared here.

I have to say that Dylan's transition has quite happily been mine, and we have grown together in every minute of it. I have learned alongside him, and have grown in ways that I did not expect.

Dylan has been on T for over a year. This has been a really smooth, enjoyable experience for both of us. I love every little hair (new or doomed to fall out) on him (and I know in some relationships there needs to be boundary there, certainly) and so I have loved every change that has come about. He talks a lot about it, but so do I, and we are always talking to each other.

As for identity, I have never identified as a lesbian, and find queer the best fit for me at this point in time. As far as navigating in the world, I agree with Julie for the most part, that explaining things can be tiresome, but I am really developing a confidence in educating people. I really don't care what most people think. I am the queer girl who dates the trans guy at work. People are social worky enough there to get that whether they ever understand pronouns. They might judge me privately but I am too good at my job to be openly discriminated against. And if I was, I would sue.

T has been joyous, honestly. I give Dylan his shots weekly and there is something wonderful about shooting the shit into his ass--kind of a pay back for his transgressions throughout the week. Teehee.

We read a lot. One thing that might be helpful to you, Zora and partner, is youtube. Guys videotape their experiences to share and some walk through this each week, or month, for a year or so. I have to say that this was so informative for me and really salute the guys who share this information.

I have really found--and others may have as well--that I enjoy being a member of the trans community as a SOFFA, and the more I learn and become a part of it, I value its place and worth in my life. I identify as queer, but feel to be an actual part of the trans community, as a SOFFA. I have no issue with saying that if I were to situate myself in the acronym of GLBT, I would be in that T. I feel most at home in that place now.

I also think often that when we have these conversations there is a great fear (and naturally) of loss, yet I have found quite the opposite, and particularly with respect to community. I have often found in conversations a worry and fear of losing a sense of community--in that, well, if you are femme/lesbian/butch and partnering with a guy, you are straight! or you are totally without queer community! or you are a weirdo! or you are totally no longer a lesbian! or if you are butch and partnering with a guy, you're a fag! or what are you any way?!?!?! That's gross--any one who questions you in where you stand has issues, yanno? Why should they really, truly care so long as you are happy?

I think personally that there is something to embrace in growing in community--particularly if a couple is comfortable in the trans community--in the sense of going to events, celebrations, political things, groups, marches, camps, etc (its understandable if they are not--as sometimes this might complicate passing), but it is immensely diverse and immensely strong, and has such an incredibly beautiful and tremendously valid history among those other letters of the "queer" spectrum.

I do advise this: don't let anyone butt into your love life because they have some need to make you feel weird about it. This is again an issue the person has and, well, its likely transphobia. This goes for everyone, your family, your friends, your community. If you love this person and life is happy on a daily basis, enjoy that immensely and tell everyone else to go to hell. I also advise that NO ONE has the right to judge your sex life in this relationship, ask you questions about it when you don't feel comfortable answering, or make you feel that you are somehow controlled by his transition (and this is in no way in any reference to what Bet said--just want to caveat there). When I say this, I mean specifically where a person transphobically assumes that his transition somehow is damaging to you just because of what it is.

I will say that what has amazed me most is the utmost patience that is often extended by the trans community with respect to the constant poking and prodding of questions and expectations--which is also extended quite frequently to SOFFAS--to explain the nature of what is "trans" to people who are too lazy to google.

My advice is that you only speak with those you like talking to about it, and if you start feeling weird about how a person might be prying or being phobic or just being ghastly (some people think it is perfectly acceptable to say whatever they feel about a transition without any thought as to how it might impact a person), nip that one in the bud until they can learn to speak to you in a way that is unoffensive and on your terms of what is comfortable. I have had to flat up tell a friend at work that I don't dissect my love life with anyone when she was prodding about Dylan and I. People are curious and nosy, and if they are respectful, that's fine. But flip in your head when the questions come and ask: would I ever say such things to them about their identity? Their relationship? Their loved ones? Set up that boundary, hon-because folks can say the darnedest of things!

Also, as many are saying here, T doesn't hit your guy overnight and make him a monster. That is transphobia at work, and it's a bunch of crap. This whole "rage" and "moody" bullshit is simply that. You can pull that up in research if need be.

I would also recommend reading and talking with folks in the medical community--the doctors and therapists out there who are awesomely trans supportive.

You are also welcome to PM me whenever. If you ever want to chat with Dylan and I in any other way, too, because he's a great resource, you just let us know.