Quote:
Originally Posted by Isadora
It is really hard to admit what I am not good at this mostly because of the judgmental attitudes of people who do not understand my history. Making assumptions about how or who or what I forgive or don't is also harmful to me.
I certainly understand the need to forgive. I understand the need to be at peace inside. They are not mutually exclusive. In some ways hanging onto anger or rage and using it to make changes has been the major channel for me.
As a retired social worker who worked with abused women, men and children, some things are unforgivable. Some things are unforgettable. I just want to make sure they/us are not blamed or deemed "less than" for not forgiving unspeakable horrors. My scars are literally a daily reminder of my abuse. Abuse whether mental, physical, emotional is not acceptable in any form. Forgiving it is not an option for me.
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I agree with you and my therapist and I have discussed this at length. Especially when really bad, traumatic things happen in our childhoods, we still bear the scars literally/physically/mentally no matter how old we are. Often our bodies begin to attack themselves as we age if we endured horrific events as children, so to just say forgive, or that you have to forgive to be healed is naive and sounds kind of heartless to be honest.
When I started back to therapy this time I did not know what forgiveness even meant either (thank you Nat!) Or even the difference between thoughts, feelings and emotions. I am slowly working it out and have gone from furious to really sad about my childhood, which according to therapist is way better. I am not seeking to forgive or to understand because there is no logic. I am seeking to heal and get past.
Therapist agrees that some things are unforgivable. Things that happened when I was too young to have had a hand in them. Things that are just too terrible....and I don't mean lying and cheating...those things I can forgive easily.
Now some people stress me out and I am not friends with any more. It is not that I don't forgive them, I just don't feel relaxed around them and life is too short for all that. We may just be in different places and that is OK.
Forgiving myself? I have been incredibly hard on myself, but am working on getting past that.
I am trying to look at each day as a brand new start.