[evolveme]

In my house, I have a policy called Straight Up. It is essentially our golden rule. It’s that important. You show the utmost respect by being straight up, and if someone asks you, “Straight up, answer me this…” then you must, absolutely must, honor it with the whole truth. To defy it would be as bad as a physical slap in the face. What I need more than to have my feelings assuaged is to be forthright and to have forthrightness in return. It’s how I continuously learn from all of you, and from my family. It’s what I have to give in return. Not roses and hearts and a virtual tea setting but your truths for my truth.

So here (in this thread), I’ve struggled because although I want all of you to feel my genuine and deep gratitude, my love for you as people I know to be intelligent and wise and just fucking beautiful, I also worry that I am, as per usual, going to come across as overly aggressive in my positions on issues. I worry if being seen as hard or insistent will mean that my voice isn’t heard or that my words are dismissed, or that I am dismissed because of my words. I can’t know any of that, but I’ve grappled enough hours with myself to know that speaking my truth outweighs that worry. I’ve gotta come straight up or not at all. I owe it to all of you, and I owe it to myself.

So, here we go:

Originally Posted by Bit

Well, I suppose the context might make a difference on that one, come to think of it.... if I said that to a Transman, I don't think it would necessarily sit well, cuz yanno, Man + Femme does not equal Queer unless the Transman himself already identifies as Queer. But anyone else I might sleep with? Hell YES it would make them Queer to sleep with me...

Although I understand why you draw a distinction for transmen in this (because to queer a transman without consent might be invalidating and erasing and thereby a transphobic act), it’s still problematic for me because to set him aside as a ‘special class’ from everyone else is to say:
*I hold you with kid gloves because you really aren’t like everyone else*.
*Your self-determined heterosexuality is more special/different than a cis-sexed male’s and so I’m going to protect you.*

I think this is a real slippery slope, and quite possibly a furtherance of the kind of invalidation they too often face. Does that make sense?

And because, as I said earlier, I don’t want it done to me, I will not do it to ("queer by fucking") anyone else. Not a straight cis-sexed man, not a heterosexual transman, no one. I think doing so has the power only to erase and invalidate someone else’s identity and we’ve all fought too long and too damn hard for the right to claim ourselves than to be guilty of attempting to dismantle anyone else’s identity. No, a straight guy cannot “straighten” me out. The idea is laughable, but I cannot queer him. It’s an empty power. It fails to satisfy my desire for egalitarian gender relations.

No matter how you slice that kind of power, it cannot come to equal parts.

Originally Posted by June

It is about Personal Power, yes. And to me (posting back to evolveme here as well) as a Queer Femme who makes mutually beneficial/agreed upon decisions about who she fucks, my Personal Power is not up for negotiation. No, I will not identify as straight to validate you. No, I will not identify as straight to help you pass. I am not straight, and I am not pretending to be so. Ever.

I absolutely understand this, and I see how the strong need to be heard around it arises. I will not accept any masculine or other person usurping my power ever again. She or he may only take what I offer up to them on the altar of my own personal power exchange, but no more. I get how it can feel like yet another means of coloring us invisible when a partner impresses upon us her or his need that we be straight, look straight, act straight. (Funny that we’re alternately accused of these things, then how they are demanded of us by some.)

I’ve watched femmes being told not to wear certain kinds of clothing and jewelry or you know, bird feather and tropical flower embellishments in their hair, because it screamed “I’m Here and I’m Queer Femme” which made a guy feel uncomfortable with the way he needed to be seen. I don’t have the answers to those tricky issues; they are for couples to grapple with themselves, but I do see how it can be invalidating to a femme who experiences invisibility. I also see how wearing queer visibly could potentially invalidate a transguy who no longer wishes to be read as queer. Therein the tricky wicket. I disagree, however, that this is always and necessarily about the concept of masculine-centrism. Trans(male) issues are tender and bitterly tough. There are some real similarities between our (femme and trans) invisibility such that I would never negate their experiences simply because they are masculine and masculine must always equal enemy. That isn’t my position and I hope no masculine person reading this thread has read me as believing such.

And also, just to clarify. The Transmen I know, are male to me, regardless of bits, but I do look at them differently and "feel" them differently than say, my ex-husband.

Since I’ve already opened the door, I want to speak to this. When we say to/about transmen that they are different than cis-men, that they “feel” different, even if our intentions are pure and good, we are very possibly negating and erasing Who They Are. And that is never good. To say “you are male to me” only throws an ugly light on what we want not to do, which is to set them apart. It suggests that there is really something else going on there, but you know, I’m cool, so I get them.

June, you and Bit are two women that I fucking admire, respect and adore. I see how your voices are incredibly influential in this space. I speak to these issues with you here because it matters, and because I believe both of you are willing to listen and engage in ways that are more open than we’ve seen elsewhere. I believe we, as feminine people strongly need good allies, and that our allies need to understand that old language is no longer useful to us, that it no longer serves us in the ways we once allowed. I also believe that we have to be the best allies we can. That’s why, in this post, I’m speaking the same truth to transmasculine issues. Sometimes, it’s just too easy to miss this stuff, because, you know, it’s not *our* stuff.

It’s not my intention to divert the thread, but it’s important to me that when we name the ways we choose to take back our power, or call for the ways in which we need support, we are careful not to create a dichotomy that wouldn’t work if flipped. I want a balance of power; I chose equanimity. I have to be willing to look at all of the ways that my own employment of power affects the world around me first.

Okay, big breath.

I’m ready for better and more true conversation. Even if it’s hard. Even if it hurts me a little. Especially if it learns me anything good.