[christie]

I get being angry at how society sees children as disposable... I think as a whole we tend to see most things as disposable... everything from kleenex to relationships.

I understand how comfortable it can be to live with that anger just below the surface, as your driving force. I know how scary it is to start to let go of that anger and learn to live without it. Its easy to start the process and then slip back into the anger.

I spent many, many years of my son's early life being angry at his father for his lack of parenting... emotionally, or financially.

My bio sister's husband made a very profound statement to me once while I was visiting them in Memphis. My sister was in a complete tailspin about Bratboy's father and we were like two vultures picking at the remains of his character. Fueled by Jim Beam, we had been feasting on the anger for hours. This very humble man from Mississippi who is as quiet as can be looked at us when we paused to take a breath and said, "Do ya'll think that S (my son's father) really gives a shit that you are angry? Do you think he is losing sleep over it? Do you think he has just spent the last two hours wailing about how sorry he is you are angry?"

Fuck. At that moment, I KNEW just how right my dear brotherinlaw was... S didn't give a shit... the only person I was affecting was ME by carrying all that bitterness around. I was the one losing sleep and shooting my BP up...

I'm not saying that anyone is wrong in their anger. Its a perfectly valid feeling and each person has the absolute right to feel that way.

What I am saying is that usually the person/persons we are angry at could give less than a shit that we are angry... WE are the only ones who care...

I once heard someone say, "Its not a fear of failure that keeps us from trying... its the fear of success." I think that's pretty smart. I've never been afraid to fail... but what the hell do I do after I succeed?? I think its a whole lot easier to be angry and negative than to make peace with something this profound and to move forward, positive, hopeful and into the light.

For me, I'd rather risk success. I'd rather not participate in what I call nonconsensual energy exchange... I'd rather impose my sometimes annoying positive demeanor on someone than to draw them into the negativity they've not asked for...

Christie