[Julie]

I still carry with me the loss and at times, responsibility of Rachel's death. Rachel and I were together when the boys were quite young and together for 7 years. Rachel had dual personality disorder, was bi-polar and manic depression. I did not know this when we were dating, nor did I know it until a few months after she moved in with us. My reaction was pretty strong and I was angry and felt deceived. I could not honestly say I would have entered a relationship knowing how deep her mental illness went, not with having kids.

For almost our entire 7 year relationship, I was held hostage by her threats of suicide - If I did not do something or upset her or left her. She would kill herself. I finally did leave and she came close to ending her life. I was given the responsibility of having her committed or bringing her home with me and the kids again. Rachel begged me not to hospitalize her, as (I learned later) she spent from the age of 17 to 27 in hospitals.

2 years after we split up and shortly after I was living with my partner (now ex). I received the phone call at 8am, while at work - that Rachel had hung herself the night before. Rachel and I spoke almost daily, up until the night before she died. She was in so many ways more like a child to me, than a partner. That was my role, to keep her safe and alive... I fell apart when she died. I am not sure how my partner dealt with it... But she did. My children and I were forbidden to go to her funeral. So much so, they kept the location hidden from us. My partner at the time helped me arrange a memorial service for my kids and for me. They could not say goodbye and neither could I, without this.

I know deep inside, that it was really not my fault she died. But still, I feel responsible. If I had not left her, maybe she would still be alive. Her family, still today (we live in a small town) still blame me. Years later, I will run into someone and I will get the looks or the comments. I stay away from the center of my small town, because I still on some level believe them, that it is my fault. Even though (intellectually) I know it was not. But I promised, I would always keep her safe and I did not.

It's amazing the head trips we can lay on ourselves. I have only been to the cemetery a few times... And it's like they have camera's there, because every time I have gone - her family shows up and makes me leave. Now, as I drive by - I honk the horn.

I still grieve her and miss her very much. This has in so many ways scared me from trusting myself with others. I feel sometimes like I am this person who only brings hurt into relationships, that I am dangerous to be around. Pretty messed up!

Sorry it's so long... It's good to write about it.