[Apocalipstic]

Its difficult for me to remember when it all began. here are these pictures of this happy little princess, then suddenly I turn serious and dark maybe around 6 years old...the thing that started it all is vague, but so many things have happened since then. I want to know that sweet little Innocent girl, but I can't reach her.

As I have said, I was doing great until 2 years ago January when my father I had not spoken to in many years died. The memories came crashing back and I saw and heard him everywhere. Actually hallucinating.

Because my father was an evangelist & missionary, I have been very anti God, but recently in addition to therapy I have joined a Wisdom Circle with good results in thinking about a higher power, no matter what that means to each of us.

The holidays are especially difficult. But I go to work every day, the house is pretty clean, most of the laundry done and I am tutoring Spanish one night a week. If I can somehow make it through this week with grace and dignity I will be so proud of myself, because what I want to do from the time I get out of work tomorrow is sit in a closet banging my head on the wall alternating with enough Valium to sleep a week.

I have been going through my Mom's old recipes and I may stay home and fix myself her favorites on Thursday. Every once in a while I will find a letter in her things that let me know how horrible her life was before her death and make me happy somehow that she is not here to be suffering too.

I wish you all the best!