Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett
Makes you wonder doesn't it?
My Mom's death in 2007 was devastating. To my surprise it was oddly liberating too. The doctor monitoring my weight loss asked me to be his guinea pig and started me on a combination of 5HTP/Carbidopa back in March and finally convinced me to try counseling which I started at the end of May. (The 5HTP/Carbidopa, prescibed to combat stress eating, also treated what he and my counselor diagnosed as mild depression.) My counselor and I are working through, among other things, the abuse by my Mom.
No wonder I went away to college even when I wasn't ready or was even interested in studying what my parents decided I was to study. No wonder I put an ocean (literally) between us when I was 19 and, except for a couple of short periods of time, did not live in my parents home again. No wonder I was drawn into and stayed in some abusive relationships in my younger years. I'm now 51.
It was bad but not what I call "Sybil-bad" - on the level/type/frequency seen in that Sally Field movie. Mom suffered from pretty severe post-partum depression resulting in a couple of stays in hospital when I was about 4. She had a lot of frustration and anger that resulted in explosions of temper. She could spank or discipline the 4 of us within reason and most of the time she did. But it was the other times, when she'd lose it over something not particularly serious, that she'd turn into a monster. She'd hit and hit and hit; not caring where, how or how hard she hit you. She'd hit until she couldn't hit any more and leave the room. Then she'd come back again and again - pulling me out from under the bed, desk, from in the closet or where ever I was trying to hide/get away from her. I was in high school the last time she did this to me - at that time she also used her fists and kicked me when I was balled up on the floor in the corner of the kitchen.
My brothers were also on the receiving end of Mom's temper as was my Dad - though I only know of her trying to hit him once or twice. My brothers don't talk about it much and Dad refuses to. He wasn't there for the majority of it and I don't think he wants to know about it now.
Interestingly enough when she was able to go back to college and then on to law school her tempered evened out. We got to know each other better, became very close and she actually had respect for me. I worked for her for over 10 years and there was only one incident early on when she tried to hit me. I pulled away before she made contact; stood my ground and told her that she better not try it again or I would have her arrested and her law career would be over.
Mom's gone but her "legacy" lives on and I will conquer this.
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I have a bad habit of trying to sugar-coat the relationship between my mother and I.
It's only been recently that I have acknowledged that habit.
Well damn it..it sucked...it hurt as she wielded her weapons in her power play game.
It still hurts.
Not too much for chatting it up tonight. Rolling with flashbacks bad. It took me over 20 minutes to type this I'm rolling so bad.
Gonna try sleep