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WheelieStrong · 01-07-2011, 03:01 AM

i'm sorry i'm in a bit of a state right now i'm guilty of not reading all your posts on this subject.

Being with my ex is not an option and is not something i would want, i just wouldn't have chosen for her to be my ex or to still live here and i definately never wanted her to be my care staff.

in regards to the man i'm seeing, i seem to have made the dicision for him!

He stayed over last week and i was determind to be happy no matter what, but at one point we went into a card shop and he said he had to buy a card for his boyfriend, i felt like i'd been gutted, and when i saw his choice of card after an eternity (minutes) of fighting back tears, my heart was complete ripped out, i managed to hold it together and i have no idea how, i had to go to the bathroom to prevent myself from crying in front of him and then i sat there and had coffee like all was fine with the world, he knew i wasn't fine, he even called me a liar (nicely) when he asked if i was ok and i said yes, but i figured he either aready knew what was wrong or there was no point going over it.

Last night in a text he gave me the impression the boyfriend is here to stay and that i could be around as long as i was ok with that, to which i said i wasn't, it makes me selfish i know but i am madly in love with this man, if being his friend was enough we wouldn't have an issue.

He said if i told him i never wanted to see or hear from him again, i should tell him and he will leave me alone.
God i'm fighting back tears even writing this..
i asked him not to make me say it, but that i would if i had to, he said he needed to know what was going on, so i told him i never want to see or hear from him again!

Now i just wish the world would swallow me whole, it's a complete and utter lie and he knows it.
But he deserves a better life and i just can't be second best any more.

He wants to be my friend but i'm guessing if i'm strong and stay away that will be so much better for everyone.

i just wish i didn't feel so selfish for doing what i think is the right thing.

01-07-2011, 03:01 AM	#43
WheelieStrong Junior Member How Do You Identify?: transman on Wheels Preferred Pronoun?: his, him, he, bitch, MINE lol Relationship Status: Hopeful, longing aching for her touch Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Stafford England Posts: 97 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 264 Thanked 142 Times in 57 Posts Rep Power: 57545	i'm sorry i'm in a bit of a state right now i'm guilty of not reading all your posts on this subject. Being with my ex is not an option and is not something i would want, i just wouldn't have chosen for her to be my ex or to still live here and i definately never wanted her to be my care staff. in regards to the man i'm seeing, i seem to have made the dicision for him! He stayed over last week and i was determind to be happy no matter what, but at one point we went into a card shop and he said he had to buy a card for his boyfriend, i felt like i'd been gutted, and when i saw his choice of card after an eternity (minutes) of fighting back tears, my heart was complete ripped out, i managed to hold it together and i have no idea how, i had to go to the bathroom to prevent myself from crying in front of him and then i sat there and had coffee like all was fine with the world, he knew i wasn't fine, he even called me a liar (nicely) when he asked if i was ok and i said yes, but i figured he either aready knew what was wrong or there was no point going over it. Last night in a text he gave me the impression the boyfriend is here to stay and that i could be around as long as i was ok with that, to which i said i wasn't, it makes me selfish i know but i am madly in love with this man, if being his friend was enough we wouldn't have an issue. He said if i told him i never wanted to see or hear from him again, i should tell him and he will leave me alone. God i'm fighting back tears even writing this.. i asked him not to make me say it, but that i would if i had to, he said he needed to know what was going on, so i told him i never want to see or hear from him again! Now i just wish the world would swallow me whole, it's a complete and utter lie and he knows it. But he deserves a better life and i just can't be second best any more. He wants to be my friend but i'm guessing if i'm strong and stay away that will be so much better for everyone. i just wish i didn't feel so selfish for doing what i think is the right thing.