[Soft*Silver]

well I certainly have experienced internalized homophobia throughout my years, but no realizing it until it smacked me in the head

like, I didnt realize it was really homophobic of me to think I had to not shave my legs and wear a gender neutral haircut and wear potchouli in order to be a lesbian, instead of wearing the lace bras that I loved, and shaving my legs and underarms and wearing my hair long and adorning it with bows and baubles.

It was homophobic of me to think I had to date only women who wore gender neutral haircuts and those who wouldnt be caught dead in wife beaters (NEVER to be called them) and men's jeans and boots. No, I as a lesbian denounced women who bled patriarchy into our lesbian land like a hemmorage. I was a true lesbian....

I was not experiencing homophobia when I swooned over the incredibly handsome FtM that winked and swung on his heels and sauntered over to me at a pride picnic and bought me a coke. Was I crazy? He wasnt GAY, my lesbian friends told me! He was a man...a mutilated, disfigured,mentally ill crazy bastard who wanted his cake and eat it too. No, he wasnt welcomed in our lesbian land. They linked their arms in mine and walked me away from him as I looked back sadly at the most handsome person I had ever seen there...

shit no, I never experienced homophobia...

of course I did...I went thru all of that. And more. I would love to say I didnt let my friends pry me away from the FtM...but it happened. But it never happened again, after I went home and found out all about the damn politics around it...I was PISSED when I realized the fuss they made about it. Never again, I vowed. And never again, was right.

And yes, I did go thru the PC period where I thought I had to be andro to be a lesbian and being femme and butch was wrong. It damn near killed me. It made me sick inside. I had to throw off the andro uniform and put on femme clothes to find me a butch so I could be true to myself...

coming out is hard...and it was really hard back then...and it was even harder the decades before I came out...I dont know how they survived it then. I just watched Oprah show today about her shows on coming out. People had written her and said they had felt they were the only gay person in the world until they saw her show on coming out. Good GOD. Can you imagine that? IN THE WORLD? People said they hated themselves for being gay. Parents said they wished their child had never been born because they were gay. OMG.

We are so lucky, arent we?