Thread: Grieving
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Old 01-31-2011, 01:06 PM   #25
Gráinne
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Obviously, this is a much-read thread for me today.

Twenty years ago (!), I got pregnant for the first time. Even though it was far from an ideal situation, I was excited about becoming a mother. I read all the books, bought maternity clothes months ahead, etc.

At my 12 week ultrasound, I was watching the screen only to see no heartbeat. The baby was dead inside me. I had to be admitted for an operation. I just remember being on autopilot, completely stunned.

I remember going for a walk after I got home, some days later. It was November, and I prayed for my baby and that she (I'd felt strongly that it was a girl) would go to a good home, one better for her (I know that makes her sound like a pet). Seven months later, my best friend gave birth to a girl.

I always remember her on every anniversary, and cannot believe that if she'd lived, I'd have a daughter in college right now.

My mother passed on April 28, 1996-her 78th birthday. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer six weeks earlier. Of course, it was close to Mother's Day. I still can't go into stores around that time.

I remember my mother going in and out of alertness, calling to her long-dead parents as if they were right there. It was that experience that convinced me that our loved ones "come back" for us when it's our time.

My oldest brother died suddenly of a heart attack in Sept. 2006. Then my former sister-in-law in Sept. 2007. Finally, my father in Sept. 2008. I began to hate the High Holidays and Yom Kippur. With my father, he was diagnosed with throat cancer two weeks before he passed. He was 92, so I think he was just ready to go.

And now my next-oldest brother, who was sick for a few years but it sounds like he passed easily. It wasn't even unexpected.

And I feel so damn guilty because I don't want to go to his service. He was a mean thing when he'd been drinking. Part of me just doesn't want to bother, but I would probably regret it. I don't know. I feel this bubbling anger, and I have no one who would understand. My family would be shocked if I said "I'm not going".

I'm probably not thinking clearly. I hope all of you who have had loss are at peace today.
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