[Converse]

Many years ago I developed a relationship with a woman whose toddler, who had been living with her father overseas, came to live with us. She was the most magical child, her speech hadn’t properly developed and she hadn’t learned any English- she had been use to sleeping where and when she liked and ate the same way. A dental check up showed that all of her baby teeth were full of cavities as all she had known was candy and soda.

Her mother abdicated all responsibility, and so although I was happy to support the household so that the little one had a full time parent at home, in truth her raising was left to me. She was introduced to eating utensils and vegetables, a speech therapist, a bed with bedtime stories, the zoo, swimming lessons and surfing and joined the local baseball team – for Christmas she asked Santa for a tool belt like mine, and together we made house repairs and worked on the car. When she needed clothes I took her shopping for comfortable stuff- which in my mind could only be found in the boys sections.

One day her mother said “I’ve just been watching the child playing with her friend- she pulls out her friend’s chair and holds the door open for her. She doesn’t know how to do her hair, and she even walks like you. She has no interest in dresses or nice shoes or in anything remotely feminine- she is older now and you are not the right influence for her, its time for me to be a mother and for you to take a step back.”

I watched the Saturday baseball game be replaced with shopping at the mall, comfortable cargo pants be replaced with spray on jeans, and the sound of a drill replaced with hiphop music and chatter about spas and hair salons- she seemed happy.

The child found a new best friend, whose name was scribbled everywhere, on her school books and bag, I noticed she even had an imitation tattoo of the girls name on her arm. One day I picked them both up from the mall, the friend held open the car door for the child, then walked around the other side to let herself in-the friend looked at me and said “one day I’m going to get my hair cut short like yours and get a leather jacket like yours too and a truck like this one”, the child smiled at me in the rear view mirror.

Shortly afterwards the mother said she didn’t like the child’s new friend, and a little time later she emptied the house and the bank account and left to marry a man. On the phone I was told I wouldn’t be allowed to speak with the child or know where they had moved to, as the child needed to separate from me in order to bond with the new husband and become part of a normal family. I never saw her again.

How much is nurture and how much is nature, I guess we will never know- but I do know that when it was brought to my attention that I didn’t know how to raise a little girl I felt guilty that because I didn’t know about “girl” things I had somehow robbed her of becoming who she was suppose to be. But today, this is what I know, I know that I taught her that anything is possible, and that she was strong enough to do anything- and when I close my eyes and worry about the life she may be living right now- I remember that one day she will be old enough to make her own decisions, and more importantly strong enough to make them, regardless of what anyone has to say about it.