[DamselFly]

i am not invisible when dealing with certain of the different ways in which i have to operate in the world, esp. when outside my home. i have severe optical problems and often must wear both an eye patch and dark glasses. due both to MS and RSD, i use a fore-arm crutch to aid me with keeping my balance while walking. when faced with negotiating a large store, i often use a motorized cart when available to avoid the overwhelming fatique factor. i must also rely on notes to help me remember what has gone on and what i am currently supposed to be doing, due to memory impairment from both the MS and a stroke. i also have emotional lability which flairs when i am under stress.
i do not say any of this to get pity. i only say it to explain part of what makes up the complex person that i am. i do not ask for any pass but sometimes do need help. i do find that extremely difficult to ask for. when offered, i am cautious about accepting it. i have had so many people say, "call if you need anything", which has turned out to be either "don't bother me" or some sort of misleading way of just saying goodbye. please don't offer help if you do not mean it. that results in at best confusion and at worst feelings of almost humiliation for me. i cannot speak for anyone else. being so obviously different in a world which glorifies fitness and ability is difficult. i spent the first half of my life as a professor and then librarian. i planned to spend the second half of my life as a scholar and writer. i now cannot even read a chapter in the books i love w/o getting severe eye pain and often a crushing migraine. i must partition out my time on the computer in terms of an hour or two. i rely on the wonderful service offered by the Library of Congress which provides books on tape and digital formats. unfortunately, most of books i studied i was lucky even to find them translated into english. they are not available, nor will be, in the LC collection. so now i am starting over, wondering what to do. all this is made harder by the fact that i can't drive and live in an relatively isolated area. i rely on my room-mate for drives anywhere. luckily, she offered that as part of my moving here and does not mind driving me to dr.s and other places. i miss the independence i had with forms of public transportation but made the trade-off to get out the extremely stressful situation in which i lived before. i miss having friends close by, though. or even on the phone. it is easier for me to talk than it is to read or to write. i miss having a relationship, though at times i wonder what extraordinary butch would face the extra complications a relationship w/me would entail. that is not to say i indulge in self-pity, and i hope that this post does not convey self-pity. i am a femme generous of heart and mind, courageous in spirit, and i believe myself to be beautiful, as is every femme in whatever situation she find herself. every femme, every butch, has complications in life with to deal-some are more obvious than others. in a way i even count myself lucky-mine are so obvious that they do not sneak up on me or anyone else. i know what i have to handle, and i have found through refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha, and in the Tao to have the resilience to face the expected and the unexpected. to change somewhat the mantra of Pop-Eye, "i yam what i yam, and i love who i am." i know that i have friends who also love me, hope to find more here, and perhaps that special butch who will also love and appreciate me.
this post is my story. thank you for reading it.
DamselFly