[Starbuck]

I confess that I'm confused why I did what I did...

Let me set the scene: I have a wonderful gf, but she's not completely mine, if you can understand what I'm saying, which hurts me to the core.

Saturday morning I had a dream about another woman, who is living with me at the moment. My dream was that I kissed her and it was really nice. THEN, when I got up, she was asleep on my living room couch. I went to her, placed my arms on either side of her and bent down and ran my nose around her nose, with full intent to kiss her! She is in love with another woman and I am so thankful that she turned her head. It wasn't that she was rejecting me, she was helping me save face, which I appreciate now! Why? Because I would have felt like I had cheated on my gf if I'd kissed my other friend. ACK! What in the world has gotten into me?!

THEN, THEN! We were listening to some music while I was doing dishes and my gf was cooking dinner when a song came on. She began to sing to me something along the lines of "You're the only one I want" and before I could stop myself, I must confess I told her, "Don't sing that to me." When she asked me, "Why not?" I said, "You're married" I love her to death but I wonder if I'm getting tired of only being able to be with her on a limited basis and certainly not out because she's afraid of who might see us? I want to be with her and only her, openly. I feel so strongly about it it makes my bones aches and my stomach lurch because right now I can't have that. I know nothing good comes from seeing a married woman. I got myself into this mess and I'll one day get myself out of it, I'm sure with much sorrow and heartache; but only when I know we can still be friends.