As my grandmother always said, 'Don't lend more money than you're willing to lose'. That doesn't make you feel any better when the money is gone, but at least you've "warned" yourself if nothing else.
We'd all like to be the trusting and generous people we wish others to be with us, but life happens and occasionally teaches us that our good will can be abused.
Along with the relationship stuff--we so often dismiss what is obvious because the other stuff seems so right and hot. The red flags won't get any redder. Again, it's so hard to see those red flags or not want to hide them when everything else seems so right. We can feel really foolish when things go really badly and not want to share that experience--hoodwinked, stolen from, abused.
I am a very loyal and generous person by nature---and expect the same in return. I don't mean tit for tat, or match me financially but a measure of same. It's very hard for me to trust people once I've been lied to or experienced pettiness. I have gotten past it with people, giving them the chance or benefit of the doubt even more than once. But I am unwilling to do all the work in a relationship--the proof is in the pudding, if you want to repair what was broken, then it takes two to do the repair. I am no longer willing to be in the role of 'fixer' or initiate these repairs.
I was accused on another site by a femme I dated three times of rape. Wow, was that ever a shock. More shocking to her was that she'd sworn butches to secrecy but since they were buddies to varying degrees of mine and that was a significant accusation--they told me. I called her on it, but of course she ignored my emails but the story did stop being told.
Additionally I've been accused of breaking people up, or advising them to break up--of course the reality is that I am NOT in the relationship and when people come to me as a pal, I am quick to say, 'ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?' If a relationship is so fragile that a talk with me breaks it up, wow,,,how powerful am I. I am more than happy to get people to slow it down as the first course of action: make a list of pros/cons, ask them if counseling won't help, ETC AND AD NAUSEUM.
But none of us can control mean spirited or just plain ol' gossip. I would hope that people are grown ups and would come to a person directly about their issues, but more likely they'd rather spin the tale that suits them or spread half information.
It's sad when new people to our community get taken for a ride, sadder still that we have to be vigilant and warn people about online nuttiness. That's why I tell people, meet sooner rather than later instead of date online for 6 months and think you have a true picture of the person.
|