I love queer. Queer is the only word that works for my sexuality, precisely because it's so murky.
I used to consider myself straight. I think I was about 15 when I started considering the possibility I could be bicurious and for years hovered between describing myself as straight, bisexual or bicurious. I made huge announcmeents I'd retract later. I just had a nagging sense I had the possibility in me to be with a woman, despite the fact I loved boys. I obsessed over boys all the time and dated/slept with them exclusively. When I came to uni signed up to the lgbt society thinking it might help me somehow... but did nothing with that except get a card for cheap entry to gay clubs, then unrelated to this I made friends with a bunch of mostly gay men and became a fag hag going to gay clubs to dance in what i felt was a friendlier environment than most straight clubs. I pretty much ignored the lesbians. I don't know why. The lesbian world was just this giant impenetrable fortress to me and I had a bunch of misconceptions, and besides I hung out with the gay guys as a 'straight' friend. I tried to kiss a girl once, but I just failed miserably and gave up. Despite being on the surface straight I had a huge inexplicable obsession with gay places, people and related media.
A bunch of ins and outs later, I finally figured out I was actually trans* and came out last year. As I began to explore my gender my attractions, sexuality and the words I used to describe it got more and more swirly until there was only one word that fit right - queer. For a mixture of reasons I've finally came across the queer crowd. Queer to me is part of the gay community, but also seperate. It's more radicalised. More accepting. I used to find the gay spaces friendly but now I consider myself trans and sexually queer, now i'm outside of the binary it feels controlling and less safe. To be fair... it's not always bad, and mostly better than straight spaces. I find the best places are those where there are a mix of liberal queers and liberal queer-friendly sorts. I think trans* is a huge part of what seperates queer from gay, along with bi/omni/pan sexualities and the ever-cliched 'open mind'.
Queer is fierce. Queer says fuck, no I won't. Queer says we are the underdogs and proud. Queer says I'll do what I want
but not at the expense of fucking over my neighbours. Queer means my current preference is not girls or boys but bois.
It also means half my friends are vegans so I get the bacon all to myself.
This was a really long life story.