My name is Atomiczombie and I was born a long time ago. As early as 2 years old, I hated the dresses my mom would put me in to go to church. I never liked all the girly, frilly things in my bedroom or closet. I can remember at 3 years old, my favorite shirt was a beige sweatshirt with bugs bunny on it. With that and jeans and sneakers, I was totally me. At age 5, I told my mom I wanted my hair short like Dorothy Hammil, the famous figure skater. I was allowed to get my hair cut short for the first time in my life, and I loved it.
Later that same year, (1976) I figured out that I wasn't really a girl. I had crushes on little girls in my class at school, and ran around with the boys when they let me. I coveted my brother's toys and hated the Barbie’s my folks got me for Christmas. I began announcing to anyone who would listen, that I wanted to be a boy. The reception of this news was met either by dismissal, laughter or shame. My mother told me I wasn't a boy, that I was a girl and that was that. I was silly to think otherwise, and told to stop such nonsense. My heart was broken.
I resigned myself to being a girl with great sadness when I hit puberty. I quit playing little league baseball and was pressured to conform to the gender expectations of my sex by everyone in my life. I was made fun of by other kids, particularly my older brother, and no longer tolerated as a "tomboy". So, I grew my hair out just to get people off my back.
When my body began to change, I was horrified and miserable. Growing breasts, hips widening, new body hair, menstruating; it all was sickening to me. I hated it. But there was nothing I could do. I still refused to wear dresses, and wore jeans and androgynous clothes as much as possible, but the pressure to be feminine was HUGE. I think this was the first point (but most definitely not the last) in my life when I thought about suicide. I was so depressed. But I decided that what I felt and wanted just wasn't important to anyone, and my only value in life was connected with living up to other people's expectations of me.
I tried to conform. I tried to wear make-up and act like my female friends, to fit in. I pretended to crush on guys, all the while lying to myself about my real feelings. I ignored and suppressed my true self in order to survive my teenage years. By age 15, I was drug-addicted and cutting myself. I attempted suicide unsuccessfully.
In 1985 I went to an in-patient drug rehab and psych ward, where I was diagnosed bipolar. During the next 10 years I was clean of drugs and alcohol, but miserably depressed. In my mid to late 20s, I finally saw a therapist who helped me process some of the painful things that happened in my life. At age 28, I began to talk about my feelings for girls, that I had repressed for so many years. I came out to my family and friends as gay.
In 2005, I found the butch-femme community online and in the San Francisco bay area, where I lived at the time. It was in this community, that I learned that sex and gender were not the same and that many people like myself considered themselves transgendered and preferred male pronouns. That totally resonated with me. As I began to hear the stories of other transguys, I realized that so much of their stories were my story too.
In 2006, my best femme friend Nicole picked out a new name for me - Drew. I found myself sitting at my desk at work and practicing my signature. It seemed to fit. I added my father’s middle name, Kendall. I went to court to petition for a name change, and on December 7th 2007, Drew Kendall Nelson became my legal name. I also had a hysterectomy/oopherectomy in the Spring of that year.
Six days before my court date, something happened which which interrupted my plans to transition. On December 1st 2007, my apartment caught fire and I lost everything. I developed a stress reaction and panic disorder, which left me unable to care for myself. In October of 2008, I came to live with my parents and have lived here in Rio Vista with them ever since.
Last year (2010) I started on Testosterone HRT. I was on a small dose from May to November, then bumped up to a full dose. My voice has dropped some. I have a few whiskers on my upper lip and chin. I have horrid acne, oy. I can't wait for my voice to drop more. That's something I have wanted the most from the T.
May 5th of this year I finally got my top surgery - reconstruction of a male chest. I am thrilled! My body feels 150% better. I feel like I have a new lease on life, like I have been released from prison. It can only get better from here.
