[uglyboi]

I went to summer camp for the first time at the age of seven. I packed my own bag, but I forgot to bring underwear, a jacket, or a comb. The staff gave me what I needed out of the "lost and found".

I weigh more than my father.

As a fourth-grader, I rolled a piece of Scotch tape backwards, put it on the end of a pencil, and stuck it in my left ear. When I couldn’t get it out, I told my teacher I had an earache so she would let me go to the school nurse. The blind school nurse looked in my ear, but saw nothing unusual, so life went on. A year or so later, my pediatrician noticed some type of foreign object lodged in my left ear and irrigated the hell out of it until — big surprise coming in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .a rolled piece of Scotch tape fell out.

I really think that Larry King is an alien sent here to do weird experiments on us, like erasing our ability to think.

I usually narrate my driving, even when I’m alone, for example; “I’m gonna turn left now, here we go”; “Oooh look, a Golden Retriever!”; “Hey, there’s Jessica, I should call her!”