[Ms. Meander]

Congratulations to all of the non-smokers and anyone even thinking of quitting!

I have been struggling to quit for years. There have been a couple times I have quit for a while but have always gone back to it in times of stress. It is the last great (destructive/unhealthy) coping mechanism I have left. Had.

I last smoked over 60 hours ago. My official quit date being the 24th. I have been reluctant to post about it because I have been feeling like a miserable wretch and I have this thing about keeping my misery largely to myself.

I have just awaken at 4am in a pool of sweat. My sleep has been out of whack these few days and I feel like I have been in a haze. I am more sensitive than usual, irritable and weepy. But I keep reminding myself WHY I am doing this. There are of course the myriad of health reasons which are the facts behind the motivation but when it comes down to that moment when I am struggling through a craving, I have to keep telling myself that I WANT this.

Also, in the past year I have made several attempts. The first few days/week are absolutely the hardest part and I keep putting myself through this torture only to pick up the smokes again, setting myself up to have to go through it again in the future. I am done with that. I am done with smoking. I am done torturing myself. I am done poisoning myself. And soon, I will be through this withdrawal and I will be free.

But for the moment, I am still a wretched mess.