[LieslKate]

[QUOTE=Ol' Jet;34950]I want to tell you a story. I met someone I came to fall love with on line. We were on the phone 24/7 for 6 months while I lived in Colorado with my family. We talked about everything—and I mean everything to get to know each other.

I had never grown to love anyone or be so enamored with a woman until I met her. Trust me when I tell you I was completely carried away by her southern charm, her voice, her eloquence, and presence. I loved everything about her—that certain southern sexiness being from Atlanta; her views on life, and her intelligence. I loved the way she thought and most of all, how she responded to me as a transman. She was absolutely the kind of woman I could ever hope to be in love with. And I grew to love her, sight unseen except for a few pictures she sent. As time went on, I wanted her to the point of marriage and for her to be the one to kiss me goodbye for the last time—as my life partner.

Our relationship was based on trust— no stone was unturned about our lives, families and our experiences even as far back as childhood. We laughed and cried and shared over and over. Many times we talked about our health being in our 50s—our weight, exercise and
diets. When she sent her pictures she was heavy set and she told me they were out of date and that she was on a diet because she was determined to lose weight. I gave her kudos and encouraged her to keep going. She said she was 40 pounds within her goal, and to me, that was nothing.

She had planned to come to Denver to meet me, and it always failed because of something on her end or mine—logistically is just never happened.

Meantime I had sent her my art and she told me that I needed to be in Atlanta, and that she, herself, being in the corporate world had never seen designs as inventive or of the same level or caliber. She had opened the door for me in thinking of Atlanta as a career move instead of Denver. Naturally, being crazy about her, I came to Atlanta.

Since we had never met in person beforehand, we made a pact and promised each other that if for some reason, we didn’t hit it off or it didn’t work, we would be great friends because we liked each other and had so much in common. So what did I have to lose?

I landed in Atlanta and she picked me up at the airport. I was excited, nervous and I couldn’t wait to meet her.

When she pulled up and got out of the car, she looked as though she more like 140 pounds within her goal not 40; she was obese and much heavier than her pictures. I won’t lie to you, I was floored. I had on sunglasses and she asked me to take them off because she “knew” I would be blown away and she wanted to see my expression. I took them off, kissed her, hugged her and didn’t flinch once. What blew me away the most was that she wasn’t anywhere near the person she sounded like.

But I handled it and this is how:

First, I fell in love with her, not her weight. I fell in love with an incredible woman filled with poise, intelligence, grace and an unspeakable presence that draws you to her. As I collected myself more and more throughout that day, I felt that weight could be dealt with and that it really was secondary in the scheme of falling in love and wanting to marry her. At the same time, I also felt I had made the biggest mistake of my life coming to Atlanta to be with her because she had misrepresented herself. I struggled with my feelings because I felt split down the middle. But I believe in honoring what I say and I was determined to give things a chance and eventually decide between the two of us if things wee going to work out.

We had made a promise that if it didn’t work out we would remain friends. Besides, being with her, her weight never once overshadowed her demeanor or the qualities that had attracted me to her.

But then came clincher:

We lived apart when I came to Atlanta and so we would spend 4-day weekends at my apartment. The sixth weekend arrived and she left to help her daughter who was in major drama and crisis.

She never returned — not once and without so much as valid explanation.

In emails that followed she said we wouldn’t be a good fit and gave other reasons that never warranted her leaving or the fact that she didn’t want to be friends. When I read them to my friends and family they couldn’t believe it.

I was livid and hurt and on a rollercoaster of feelings that ran the full gamut.
I was willing to see it through and she walked out on me. Forget the weight. She completed destroyed the image I had of her as a woman of integrity. Talk about stunned? She left me in a strange town, no car, no bearings or direction, no help and no real explanation. Remember, I’m a trauma survivor which she knew about. So the shock of leaving me almost sent me over the edge; she could have killed me. The poetry in my thread, The Dancer of Atlanta, are about her with the exception of Rio Rio and
Rocket 88.

So you talk about big girl love? She was a big girl who was loved and never even knew how much.


[/QUOTE]

I was the Grrl on the other side of a similar and very recent situation. We had already met once (for a 3 day weekend that ended in less than 12 hours) that didn't go well for other reasons. We also had similar plans, thoughts and dreams moving ahead in the relationship and I was going to be the one moving there.

After a couple of weeks not speaking she called and we decided to try again and spent the next 2 months talking for hours every day about anything and everything under the sun including issues about body image (hers and mine, with a less than 25lb difference in respective weights) and dealing with them. We had / have so much in common and after the heart-rending year I had just gone through I was filled with hope, desire and trust in a better future.

We decided to start with a visit of 10 days... the second day of the day visit she told me she didn't see any possibility of a relationship as partners/lovers/married as she was not able to be physically attracted to me and we had nothing much in common; she then emotionally distanced herself, barely spoke to me and I had 8 more agonizing and heartbreaking days to get though in her home before my flight home. I was stunned to say the least and in so much pain, absolutely numb. Never buy a cheap ticket that can't be changed...

It was not all negative, I always try to find something positive even in a bad situation and it was my first holiday in 8 years. We had fun going out and exploring her city (my possible future home), meeting her friends and having conversations on a superficial level but the trust had been broken. We are speaking yet again simply because we do have that much to talk about and do care for each other very much just not daily and not the way it was. I miss what we had and its hard being just friends.

I think your G/f perhaps felt your hesitation and struggle and took what for her may have been the easy way out without giving sufficient thought as to how it would affect you... maybe it was what she needed to do to deal with her pain.

I feel the pain, anger and heartbreak in your post and understand it. I wish both of us a positive future and in spite of how I am feeling right now I would try yet a third time even though my heart feels battered and bruised. As for starting a new relationship that will be a very long time coming.