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Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy
Just wondering what everyone's thoughts are on second chances... what is forgiveable, what isn't, etc.? Are space and time really as important as everyone says?
I'm going through a very rough time right now; I don't want to pour out the details and upset everyone, but let's just say falling in love with someone, has proved not to be as scary as potentially losing them... </3
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Proximitywithoutintimacy, I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time.
I'm going through a situation now, myself. Here's where I am with it.
Though we speak in terms of "second chances", they are after all, a form of
forgiveness and let's begin again.
For me, second chances depend on
both parties
really knowing the nature of the wrong(s) done, and making a genuine commitment to never do them again. Even then, it must be understood that a period of healing and trust rebuilding is to be expected and respected.
Both parties have to fully face the damage done to one another and the relationship - not simply want things to snap back into place as if they had never happened.
Also, second chances should not be an excuse to switch an unhealthy power and control dynamic from one person to another.
It's been my experience that this is a lot to hope for. Trust once broken is hard to repair. It can cause a permanent shift in someone's feeling towards another.
Infidelity is often seen to be the deal breaker. It's my experience that infidelity is usually the fete de compli. The culmination of many less obvious betrayals. What about them? Is it ever possible to identify or agree on all of them? Are both parties honest enough, mature enough, well enough to take on that depth of work?
In reality, were things ever that terrific that so much time and energy should be put into healing and repairing a damaged relationship? Are one or both parties yearning for the impossible - a return to a honeymoon phase? Is codependency keeping two people together because they don't want to face their personal demons and get on with their lives?
I don't mean to be a party pooper, but I think these are important questions to ask oneself when considering a "second chance". For me, the answer was "NO".