[Medusa]

Let's talk about emotional eating!

I was all hyped up to make this post last night but talked myself out of it because this part of the process is so personal. Today, I said "fuck it", because really, what am I about to say that is going to be so personal when so many people have dealt with this exact issue. Besides, I think talking about the process helps forward our understanding and I'm willing to take the chance on feeling exposed in order to work out my shit around it.

So here goes:

I had cake yesterday! It was luscious and wonderful! Someone at work sent around an email to our entire unit saying they had "about 50 pounds of wedding cake in their office" and was basically begging us to come and eat it (being facetious here!). All day a steady stream of my coworkers filed past my door with napkins piled high with a creamy-looking white cake. Finally someone said "oh come on angie, you gotta have just one piece of it!".

Normally I would have waved my hands and said "Oh no no no! I can't, I'm on a diet!" and would have been all dramatic about how I was just going to eat come carrot sticks or whatever.

Then I would have sat in my office brooding for the rest of the day over that cake and being silently (and not super aware of why) irritated and angry.

Then I would have gotten off of work and gone straight to the McDonalds drive-thru and ordered a sack of crap and ate it all the way home.

Then I would have gotten home and proceeded to marathon-eat for the rest of the night until finally falling into bed stuffed full of food and feeling empty still.

Why would I have done that? Because that is my cycle. That's what I do. That is how I self-soothe when I deprive myself of something that is actually a reasonable desire. So what if someone had a wedding cake at work, right? It's a piece of fucking cake. It's not a line of cocaine.

I would have been internally deprived and pissed off at myself for saying no to the cake when I really wanted it and then would have proceeded to fill my face for hours after as a way to say "Im now going to punish the external me because the internal me didnt provide the cake."

I have come to realize that it is simply NOT reasonable to live as if I am never going to eat another piece of cake as long as I live. It is, in fact, ridiculous for me to think that will be my truth. I am a human being and I am going to eat cake and steak and drink beer and eat ice cream. I'm going to do all those things and I'm NOT going to feel shame about it or guilt and I'm CERTAINLY NOT going to punish myself when I do eat those things.

We're good people! We deserve cake!

What we also deserve is to eat that piece of cake WITHIN REASON and treat that piece of cake as the wonderful treat that it is and not a requirement for happiness.

So yesterday? I ate the cake. It was a small little piece and it was so delicate and fluffy and had this amazing cream cheese icing and almond fondant. I ate it. Unapologetically and without guilt. I STILL don't feel guilty. It was worth it. I counted it in my WW points like I should and was thankful for having the cake.

I felt so happy last night because that terrible weight of "I have an emotion of shame around eating the cake so now we must commence with a 4-hour binge that will leave us feeling like SHIT" was GONE. I am still happy today because eating that cake without shame was a victory for me. It was a victory over those bad, ugly thinking patterns where shame and guilt are the driving force for sabotage of health.

I encourage each of us to remember that birthdays and weddings and random cakes will happen. It's OK for us to eat small portions and account for those portions in our food plan. It's OK to enjoy eating that stuff! It's OK to be regular, normal human beings who occasionally eat cake or pie or potatoes or whatever your vice is. It is OK because that piece of cake does not mean that our entire day or week or month of working toward health is blown up.

I did the above overshare to kinda show how Im working through my process of recognizing what my triggers are and WHY I overeat. Figuring out those triggers and being able to say "Oh ok, this is one of those things" when it happens means that I have a name for that emotion. So I can name it and think about it rather than eat it.

If you stuck with me this long, thank you. Again, pardon the overshare. This thread has been an amazing support and I appreciate each and every one of you tremendously.