After all these comments reminding me to be true to myself and "fuck 'em" if they can't accept me for who I am (which for the most part I tend to think) I am wondering exactly what got me into such an upset state the other night.
Possibly it is lingering loneliness and the fact that I am still recovering from a recent break up...
If I am really honest with myself, I will admit that I do sort of "lose myself" in relationships, as I shape myself for the other person, allow them define me. Then at some later point freak out because I don't know who I am any more.
This femme style, particularly the style I have when I am single seems the most "natural" to me, I always come back to it regardless of how I experiment. I could speculate that perhaps it is due to the fact that when I was a child, I was my mother's personal life size doll to dress as she saw fit. She set out my "outfits" for me right up to my early teens, and it was just so much easier to let her than to face her disappointment and sulking.
When I was invited to “play dates” I was dressed in a very “girly” dessert-like creation when the other kids wore t-shirts and jeans etc. I couldn’t play the rough games as it might ruin my good clothes so I would sit around like some fragile doll on the shelf.
Some might argue that perhaps this would cause me to rebel, and do the opposite now, dress butch and deny that part of my upbringing.
Or perhaps it is that I want to finally get to play in my “costume” and potentially get it “mussed up.”
I tend to think that everyone has an intentional expression with regards to their clothes, and I think that along with our personalities there are conditioned aspects from a myriad of external sources. Unless one is raised completely isolated, I don’t think anyone can claim to be wholly original and not influenced by any social construct.
In this respect I feel that largely throughout my life I have moved from one “uniform” or "costume" to the other. First it was my mother, then it was my peers who were very trend conscious, I went through the phase of attempting to masculinise myself and don what I thought was the “lesbian” uniform, then when I was exasperated by not fitting this form I chose femme and it was a style that seemed to represent me in deeper emotional ways.
So I guess essentially what I am trying to say is that it is somewhat ironic to be judged for my “uniform/costume” from someone who is also wearing their own self assigned “uniform/costume.”
Lastly
Thank you again for the wonderful responses, I was a bit self-conscious about how whiney the first post sounded, and I was no doubt seeking reassurance, but it was how I was feeling and I am grateful for those kind words.
