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Chazz · 08-12-2011, 10:54 AM

To everyone who has been messaging me.... THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU ! ! ! !

And for good measure: XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

So there......

Here's the short of it.....

Was in a relationship with a woman for 8 years. Her daughter was 4 when we met. I raised that child as my own and became "Momma".

It was an interracial relationship (strange term that; aren't we all of the human race?). Mentioning race to say: This beautiful child was my teacher in so many ways. We cried, together, so many days when she arrived home from school because she was the only Black child in her class, and the butt of much taunting. (I live in a white, middle-class ghetto.) I still cannot find words for the hurt and rage I felt over her having to go through that. I felt so powerless and ill-equipped, so I cried with her.

(Keep it short, Chazz).... Anyway, her bio mother - who was always ambivalent towards her own child, even resented her - ceded most of the parenting to me. I loved it, even as it conjured nurturing feelings in me that were inconsistent with my understanding of myself as a mega masculine butch. (This was a large part of what prompted me to begin reclaiming my woman-self. I'll get to that at some point. Remind me, I get distracted....)

Then, it all went to hell, to this day I'm not entirely sure why?!?!? But, $50,000+ later in legal fees over a multi year custody battle and subsequent debt.... bio Mom gets herself in a (legal) jam, cleans out my bank account, taps out my credit cards, goes to work one day and never comes home (not so much as a phone call since) and hands over full custody of the child to her homophobic father. I haven't seen, or spoken to, "my" little girl since.

I spent two years fending off creditors not of my making (almost lost my house), but worse, I lived in a traumatized emotional stupor. I still mourn.

Always the optimist, I decide the solution for bad love is good love.

So, I get involved with another woman with a 7 year old son.... His father (the one I referred to in a prior post in this thread) starts making false CPS reports, sues for custody based on Mom and I having fist fights and sex in the kid's presence (neither of which, ever happened - the CPS reports came back unfounded, btw), but the judge still awards him joint custody.... The negativity, stress and ugliness took it's toll on the relationship - among other things - and, we're since parted ways.

Oh the joy of being butch and loving our partners' children.

I'm not much for public displays of my private business, but.... I can't help but wonder how much sexism and homophobia played a part in these, and other struggles, in my life.

I'm still the proverbial optimist in matters of love - just dumb, I guess - but I have been forced to reconsider what "theory" best addresses the issues making my life a living hell. I'm not seeing where gender theory addresses the things I'm living through. It was fun and edgy for awhile, but outside of the LGBTQ community, how I gender identify and look, still boil down to me being a female in a patriarchal culture. And, a lesbian woman at that. If I don't do, what I don't wanna do (i.e. transition to male), I don't see that changing much under gender theory.

08-12-2011, 10:54 AM	#218
Chazz Member How Do You Identify?: cisBUTCH Preferred Pronoun?: hey Relationship Status: Single - gave up the farce Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: New York Posts: 265 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 103 Thanked 756 Times in 189 Posts Rep Power: 8194252	To everyone who has been messaging me.... THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU ! ! ! ! And for good measure: XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO So there...... Here's the short of it..... Was in a relationship with a woman for 8 years. Her daughter was 4 when we met. I raised that child as my own and became "Momma". It was an interracial relationship (strange term that; aren't we all of the human race?). Mentioning race to say: This beautiful child was my teacher in so many ways. We cried, together, so many days when she arrived home from school because she was the only Black child in her class, and the butt of much taunting. (I live in a white, middle-class ghetto.) I still cannot find words for the hurt and rage I felt over her having to go through that. I felt so powerless and ill-equipped, so I cried with her. (Keep it short, Chazz).... Anyway, her bio mother - who was always ambivalent towards her own child, even resented her - ceded most of the parenting to me. I loved it, even as it conjured nurturing feelings in me that were inconsistent with my understanding of myself as a mega masculine butch. (This was a large part of what prompted me to begin reclaiming my woman-self. I'll get to that at some point. Remind me, I get distracted....) Then, it all went to hell, to this day I'm not entirely sure why?!?!? But, $50,000+ later in legal fees over a multi year custody battle and subsequent debt.... bio Mom gets herself in a (legal) jam, cleans out my bank account, taps out my credit cards, goes to work one day and never comes home (not so much as a phone call since) and hands over full custody of the child to her homophobic father. I haven't seen, or spoken to, "my" little girl since. I spent two years fending off creditors not of my making (almost lost my house), but worse, I lived in a traumatized emotional stupor. I still mourn. Always the optimist, I decide the solution for bad love is good love. So, I get involved with another woman with a 7 year old son.... His father (the one I referred to in a prior post in this thread) starts making false CPS reports, sues for custody based on Mom and I having fist fights and sex in the kid's presence (neither of which, ever happened - the CPS reports came back unfounded, btw), but the judge still awards him joint custody.... The negativity, stress and ugliness took it's toll on the relationship - among other things - and, we're since parted ways. Oh the joy of being butch and loving our partners' children. I'm not much for public displays of my private business, but.... I can't help but wonder how much sexism and homophobia played a part in these, and other struggles, in my life. I'm still the proverbial optimist in matters of love - just dumb, I guess - but I have been forced to reconsider what "theory" best addresses the issues making my life a living hell. I'm not seeing where gender theory addresses the things I'm living through. It was fun and edgy for awhile, but outside of the LGBTQ community, how I gender identify and look, still boil down to me being a female in a patriarchal culture. And, a lesbian woman at that. If I don't do, what I don't wanna do (i.e. transition to male), I don't see that changing much under gender theory.