Butch Femme Planet - View Single Post

nycfem · 08-12-2011, 11:31 AM

More on my journey (Can anyone tell I'm on vacation from work - lotsa posts!):

I spent most of my childhood thin. I think this was helpful in a way because I developed the self-esteem of a thin person. I often think of myself as thin even though I'm "morbidly obese." It's weird but I think developing my sense of self when I was a thin person gave me confidence. I grew up fitting in in this regard!

When I was a teenager, I was still thin and yet, as we do in our culture, I found myself going on all kinds of crazy diets because I was still "too fat" (When I look at pictures of how I was actually thin, I'm stunned!). I became so nutritionally deprived that leaning on my hand would leave a bruise. At 5'4" I was 108, my lowest weight.

During college and the beginning of grad school (up until my mid-twenties), I was around 116. At times I was still eating too little as well as taking an anti-depressant, Imipramine, which I had started prior to the age of Prozac and the safer class of anti-depressants. I was having scary neurological and physical symptoms that I ignored. I would have mini seizures, sometimes start stumbling as if drunk, and pass out. Sometimes I would "come to" in a conversation and be saying something that made no sense. I went on with my life as if everything was normal.

I moved to New York in my twenties and started grad school. I was dealing with a lot of stress: mourning my maternal grandmother's death, recovering from my own mom having had a horrible bout of cancer, my father leaving my mother and doing all sorts of crazy things- and I was put (or allowed myself to be) in the middle, and a brutal sexual assault. I comforted myself with food. I had certain comfort foods, such as General Tao's vegetarian chicken (deep fried- NOT healthy veg), so often, that I remember the Chinese restaurant I'd go to giving me a Christmas gift! I knew that had to be a bad sign. I also remember teaching the roommate I shared my studio how putting an Entenmann's donut in the microwave for 20 seconds really made all the difference.

I didn't have many friends in NY and joined FLAB (Fat Lesbian Action Brigade) which I believe became NOLOSE. When I first joined, I was affectionately labeled a Chubby Chaser of sorts, a label I resented, knowing that I'd actually begun the journey to being fat and wanted support. And I did receive support. I remember telling an older nurse how I always wanted to eat Frosted Flakes, and she encouraged me to buy a big box of them, so I did. Within a year I was 170 pounds.

I was left with mixed feelings about my time with FLAB (now NOLOSE). I consider myself on the radical end of being fat positive (love the blog, http://www.bigfatblog.com). When I became fat, as a highly sensitive person to begin with, I was really hit with the amount of discriminatory treatment and insults I received, from being directed to a locker in the back of the gym to comments yelled out of speeding cars. In that sense, I felt protective towards my self, my fat self, and all other fat people. Being fat was new to me, and I hadn't built up the defenses or sense of normalcy around this new way of being treated that perhaps I might have if I was used to it from childhood.

Then I started my work as a social worker, working what felt like 24/7 mainly with abused children. Throwing a few fucked up relationships into the mix as well (prior to BB!), I went up to 243 pounds (my highest weight). That's when my mom had her heart attack, and I was shocked into wanting to lead a healthier lifestyle. This need was something that didn't involve thought. I sobbed to myself, thinking about how I had no idea how to lose weight. I did lots of Internet searches but felt lost and also had strong political feelings about not supporting the diet industry.

I decided to give up caffeine, including chocolate (which made Coke and candy no longer as interesting), exercise 4 hours per week, and to keep a detailed journal. Just by these few steps alone, I lost 50 pounds within a few years. And this remains my plan, adding to it- abstinence from movie theater popcorn (which sounds silly but was a big thing for me, as it was a favorite).

I'm sometimes tempted by fad diets and quick fixes but my goal in my heart remains not to diet, but to instead move day by day through making healthier choices. I actually think that is much harder than diets!

I am curious to hear other people's stories.

08-12-2011, 11:31 AM	#942
nycfem Moderator How Do You Identify?: femme sub Preferred Pronoun?: Baby Grrl Relationship Status: Attached Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: NYC Posts: 6,793 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 52,987 Thanked 21,452 Times in 5,101 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	More on my journey (Can anyone tell I'm on vacation from work - lotsa posts!): I spent most of my childhood thin. I think this was helpful in a way because I developed the self-esteem of a thin person. I often think of myself as thin even though I'm "morbidly obese." It's weird but I think developing my sense of self when I was a thin person gave me confidence. I grew up fitting in in this regard! When I was a teenager, I was still thin and yet, as we do in our culture, I found myself going on all kinds of crazy diets because I was still "too fat" (When I look at pictures of how I was actually thin, I'm stunned!). I became so nutritionally deprived that leaning on my hand would leave a bruise. At 5'4" I was 108, my lowest weight. During college and the beginning of grad school (up until my mid-twenties), I was around 116. At times I was still eating too little as well as taking an anti-depressant, Imipramine, which I had started prior to the age of Prozac and the safer class of anti-depressants. I was having scary neurological and physical symptoms that I ignored. I would have mini seizures, sometimes start stumbling as if drunk, and pass out. Sometimes I would "come to" in a conversation and be saying something that made no sense. I went on with my life as if everything was normal. I moved to New York in my twenties and started grad school. I was dealing with a lot of stress: mourning my maternal grandmother's death, recovering from my own mom having had a horrible bout of cancer, my father leaving my mother and doing all sorts of crazy things- and I was put (or allowed myself to be) in the middle, and a brutal sexual assault. I comforted myself with food. I had certain comfort foods, such as General Tao's vegetarian chicken (deep fried- NOT healthy veg), so often, that I remember the Chinese restaurant I'd go to giving me a Christmas gift! I knew that had to be a bad sign. I also remember teaching the roommate I shared my studio how putting an Entenmann's donut in the microwave for 20 seconds really made all the difference. I didn't have many friends in NY and joined FLAB (Fat Lesbian Action Brigade) which I believe became NOLOSE. When I first joined, I was affectionately labeled a Chubby Chaser of sorts, a label I resented, knowing that I'd actually begun the journey to being fat and wanted support. And I did receive support. I remember telling an older nurse how I always wanted to eat Frosted Flakes, and she encouraged me to buy a big box of them, so I did. Within a year I was 170 pounds. I was left with mixed feelings about my time with FLAB (now NOLOSE). I consider myself on the radical end of being fat positive (love the blog, http://www.bigfatblog.com). When I became fat, as a highly sensitive person to begin with, I was really hit with the amount of discriminatory treatment and insults I received, from being directed to a locker in the back of the gym to comments yelled out of speeding cars. In that sense, I felt protective towards my self, my fat self, and all other fat people. Being fat was new to me, and I hadn't built up the defenses or sense of normalcy around this new way of being treated that perhaps I might have if I was used to it from childhood. Then I started my work as a social worker, working what felt like 24/7 mainly with abused children. Throwing a few fucked up relationships into the mix as well (prior to BB!), I went up to 243 pounds (my highest weight). That's when my mom had her heart attack, and I was shocked into wanting to lead a healthier lifestyle. This need was something that didn't involve thought. I sobbed to myself, thinking about how I had no idea how to lose weight. I did lots of Internet searches but felt lost and also had strong political feelings about not supporting the diet industry. I decided to give up caffeine, including chocolate (which made Coke and candy no longer as interesting), exercise 4 hours per week, and to keep a detailed journal. Just by these few steps alone, I lost 50 pounds within a few years. And this remains my plan, adding to it- abstinence from movie theater popcorn (which sounds silly but was a big thing for me, as it was a favorite). I'm sometimes tempted by fad diets and quick fixes but my goal in my heart remains not to diet, but to instead move day by day through making healthier choices. I actually think that is much harder than diets! I am curious to hear other people's stories.