[AtLast]

I started out very excited about a woman I have been seeing and thinking about what may be possible. May seem silly, but I was even excited to do a bit of a change on my profile relationship status line- at least a smiling face. It really is difficult to meet someone around my age with similar values and interests that I am attracted to. It has been a very long time and a few years of sporadic dating that has had more "no's" than "yesses" (but hey, finding a good match is not easy- especially at my age)! So, I guess I was a bit giggly goofy...

Then, POW.... BS smacked me in the face and I began to go back into the my place of discontent with how we can treat each other here in very cruel and unfair ways. Especially when discussing wounding and sensitive issues in our lives within queerdom.

I usually can let things go- and more often than not, tend to try and smooth things over. But this morning I felt so victimized by someone in an area that is deeply sensitive to me, I fought back. It actually felt good in terms of standing up for myself. Yet, it is in an area of our community that has been fraught with division and strife and pain. But, I just had it with turning the other cheek and/or trying to post without offending (as there are so many people here that I call friend in real-time that I will often protect even if it means not being myself posting).

I have gone through some very difficult things the past 4 years that have knocked me off my feet. No, I don't think that other people are not/have not had their share of rough times. But, I tend to minimize and even dismiss my own pain in order to achieve peace- which I now realize is not serving me well. In fact, this usually just builds up only to explode. Not a good thing. Yet, I am finished with letting some things go that are connected to who I am deeply.

For the life of me, I do not understand some of the "wars" that we (yes, me too) get going on the site. I can only figure out what is up for myself, then go on. I have lost so many in my lifetime due to actual death and suffering bey6ond imagination, I guess I am not as compassionate with others- I tend to just not "suffer fools well" and as I age, this is more and more true.

I have taken care of people all of my life- from a disabled sister, dying siblings and parents, my brother's child and a partner that was very ill and died. I am going to be self-focused now. I am 60 years old, been tossed to hell and back financially even by bio-family and am just not taking it anymore. Not in real-time, not here (but not in a manner contrary to the TOS I agreed to as a member).

Oh, well... I did change my profile.... and am hopeful that things (that really do matter) will settle down soon. What I do know is that I will continue to stick up for myself and call out unfair treatment. This is my community, too.