[sylvie]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

((((((Sylvie))))))

It takes a lot of courage to talk about things that are so very personal and i am so proud of you for sharing your story.

I was once anorexic. I was in my early 20s had a baby, a really bad life, was gay and in a bio marriage to a "not so nice" person. I would go days and not eat. I got down to 50 pounds under my ideal weight. It wasn't a body image problem. It was a "i hate my life" problem and this was the only thing i knew i could control. And, oh i did. My family and my friends were constantly begging me to eat, it made me more determined not to. The days of not eating grew longer and then i went almost a week. Finally, i was admitted into the hospital. I was so runned down and so frail and weak. The docs were going to start tube feedings but i refused.

I'm still not sure what happened. But, one night i was laying in St. Mary's hospital bed and a nun walked in. She saw me crying and she sat with me for hours and helped me see that life is what you make of it. She reminded me of that little baby i had at home that was totally dependent on me. That i had good parents who loved me and were there for me. I was being selfish. It clicked. I was lucky.

To this day i'm sure she doesn't realize she saved my life. Sometimes it takes a light bulb moment or a friend to touch your heart in a way that just works. But, the eating disorder doesn't ever fully go away and it is always a struggle...i believe that anyway. I still have to be careful to eat sometimes. But, i don't do this on purpose any longer and i certainly, by any sense of the imagination, have an underweight problem. But, food taken or not taken is a controlling power that is easily used and abused when we hurt deeply. I feel for you honey. I am so happy you are making good choices about yourself.

I am proud of you. I am proud of me. You are right, it is wonderful to get that positive energy flowing and i feel that from you.

i know that lightbulb moment very well.. it was a lightbulb moment which helped me see the reality of what i was doing to myself, and needing the help to get this under control after a lil over 10 years...Deep down i knew what i was doing and that it wasn't good for me, but the abuse to myself was very welcome until just recently.. i kept it hidden, and did my absolute best to push people out of my life merely so no one would find out, of course.. my love of food and abusing my system like this came first, just like any other addiction ..

So having that light bulb moment where i realized a/the damage i was doing to myself and my body and b/ the damage i was doing to those who loved me and i kept pushing away happened one day... i had started a self journey of trying to build my self esteem and was at a plateau, where i needed to face some things about myself which were continually beating me down and not letting me make real progress - this being one of those things.. so it was time to come to terms with it, even if it was just telling my doctor and secretly trying to get the help...

Of course, over the time of counselling, it became apparent i needed more than my doctor to know and i gained a real need to overcome this, or to try for the sake of not only me but the people who love me.. Today, i have a drive everyday to be better than this - and most days i use my tools and resources to keep strong.. i have talked about my Eating Disorder with a few people in my life (my children, Mtn, my parents, some family and some people i work with) because in all of these areas of my life, they help keep me accountable... Most days, i am content with that - then i have some hard days which aren't so easy and i get bent up with that stinkin' thinkin' of mine..

And i know that struggle of feeling selfish, and guilty.. that feeling is so overwhelming.. Day before yesterday after a long while of doing so well, i had a bad day.. i binged (not near as bad as i would have) because the guilt took over - and i didn't have to purge, however i merely have to think about doing so and i can be sick when i am in that state of mind, and i was some.. So this post not only is for a means of support for me, but i'm trying NOT to be hard on myself and to take each day as a new day.. But the feelings of selfishness, guilt and ahhh, disappointment, i can't even describe right now.. how does one stop being so damn hard on oneself, i need to forgive myself and keep moving forward and not dwell on this so much.. i think other people sharing their situations with me, may be exactly w hat i need in finding my way to self forgiveness, or at least seeing its possible.. i know it has to be a process and probably different for everyone..

Niki, (((((huggggs))))) , i can't express how thankful i am that You shared this with me..and i truly am so happy that you not only had your light bulb moment, but that it's not dictating your everyday or that you dont struggle so hard with it now..i would love that for myself one day, some days i feel willing and able, but i get reminded often i'm no where really near that.. Maybe this will be a struggle for life for me, right now it's about dealing with the inner stuff and situations of my past, finding forgiveness for people.. but mostly, forgiveness for myself, and healing.. truly healing... and learning different ways to deal with my emotions..

So your sharing inspires me, very much and i'm so grateful - your sharing has been a tremendous help to me in the past re: my father, and your ability to be so honest and helpful, makes me smile big.. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, xoxox