When I was 5 years old my first father died... suddenly and painfully. Our gardener walked him through my room on the way to car to take him to the hospital. My last memory of him is screaming as he was being supported to the car. I never cried. I stopped talking for a 2 weeks... I went inside.
It has taken decades for me to acknowledge that there was a 5 year old little girl traumatized by the event. I am 52 years old in October this year and I am still working on coming to terms with the impact of his death on my life. I have a powerful cellular memory of it. Most of the last 47 years I have been unconscious of it and I simply reacted to it....
I just went through a NLP (neuro-linguisitc programming) session with a friend of mine and it was pretty interesting and helped me to break the cycle of cellular memory. We will see if it works for next year
.... I am not suggesting this to you but perhaps it may be something to think about trying anything that may help you as you uncover and cope with your loss.... therapy, NLP, acupuncture, spiritual work... and sometimes it is a combination of many things...
I hope you find your own peace...