[Sun]

I actually came back to this thread to see if I could pull down my post and realize that I cant do that. The woman that I posted about is someone that I love and the initial "meeting" was indeed traumatizing for me and it colored my future behavior in a negative way. I'm not proud of that. In the past I had only shared this story with a few close friends because I needed support. Ive never put this story out on a public website before, nor have I ever posted a negative word about this woman in a way that would cause her humiliation.

The reality of my story is that yes this did in fact happen to me but I have to admit that the woman who did this was losing control of her life and was pre "nervous breakdown" when this all occured. She was looking for a way out of a life that she felt trapped in. When I posted about my experience I had been triggered and never thought about hurting her if she ever saw the post. Huge mistake because I do not set out to intentionally hurt anyone. Sometimes I am emotionally "rectionary" and then regret my behavior later on. In fact I am sure that if the woman that I wrote about who I refer to as "M" (no relationship to her real name) could take back every cruel thing that she did to me back then, she would. Ive had a hard lesson recently in being unforgiving and it stings. I need to learn to be "more" forgiving. Especially with people that I love. Holding on to resentment has not served me well, in fact it has only helped to destroy a reltionship with a woman that I love.

I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor in many realms and thats just keeping it real. Because I was hurt by an event does not give me permission to hurt others, including the woman that hurt me. Some switch in my brain flipped and I became more detached whem someone would do me wrong and let anger become my defense mechanism. In my centered, best self, I am a peaceful happy person and I want simple things out of life. I want a relationship that is healthy, a family life and a future that is devoid of drama of any sort. In that space, I am willing to do all of the hard work that comes with these goals. Holding on to the past..especially the past that I wrote about is not what I want for my life.

By posting my very personal story that left me very wounded I put myself back into a victim space and did more damage than good. Ive now committed to leaving the past in the past and not resurrecting this story ever again. The woman did this to me was in great pain, she was suffering, she had no way out. Perhaps by finding me and being loved even after I found out the truth, I was throwing her a lifeline. If this had not occured and I had not reached out to her even in her false identity perhaps she would have taken her own life and that would have been a great loss because she is a beautiful person who was just looking to be loved and feeling trapped in a marriage that was unhealthy. It was better to have met her along the way and know her than to have never met her and never have known her. We all make mistakes..I have made many. I have hurt the woman that I love because I was hurt in the past. This is not something that I am proud of and it is hard to admit. I justified lying because I was lied to. I did not feel that I could trust anyone anymore because my trust was violated. This is not "right action" and I am not cut out for hanging on to negativity. What I love is laughter and fun, light spiritually connected living. As a result of the past I screwed up something beautiful and I can only hope that one day I too will be forgiven and have another chance to make things right.

As I say, we all make mistakes and for me, posting something negative for the world to see, even though I protected her identity, was just wrong. It is a beautiful thing to be loved and to love. Sometimes we are imperfect and need help, counseling, care for depression or illness. That does not make someone a bad person.

Thanks for reading along.

In Peace and love,

Sun